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:: Saturday, March 30, 2002 ::
sometimes i feel like usc is this big county fair, that comes around only four days out of the year. you can buy a weekend pass, and spend the whole weekend wasting your money on rigged games, eating overpriced hot dogs, rotting your teeth out with cotton candy and caramel apples, and riding rickety death traps until you vomit. that will relieve you of half your summer's savings, but hey - it's only four days! and you see EVERYONE you haven't seen all summer!
OR you can buy a discount pass for that first thursday, and go while everyone normal is still at work. you can have your fill of rides and junk food and rodeos and rabbit huts by the time they close the gates at midnight! since most people show up eventually on that first thursday, you'll STILL see everyone - even if you can't run into them again every other day that weekend. if you haven't seen them all summer, most likely they weren't good friends to begin with! you save most of your money and you still leave that night, knowing that you saw all the sights. .....ohh my ride is here. so looks like you can figure the rest out for yourself!
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 11:15 PM [+] ::
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i know i mentioned that i LOVE naps (especially the afternoon variety), but did i mention that i had this great idea where we could all have nap partners? someone who wouldn't get all mushy and attached, just be there to cuddle with, come naptime. that would be great. like a big warmth-exuding human teddy bear, just comfycozy as could be.
i'm currently accepting applications. i do not require committment. i do, however, require a flea-background-check (shane knows what i mean).
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 6:57 PM [+] ::
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wow. i really had fun last night, for some strange reason. (that may be obvious from the abundance of mispellings i simply let 'slide' when i posted last night). lots of dancing and craziness. sadly, one of my friends ended his evening earlier than expected for reasons unappealing. yeah when the room starts spinning, time to call it a night. and i only got a few hours sleep, including the car ride to riverside. but it was an experience. i did a lot of reading while shane was filming marcus' part. uc riverside has a very retro campus in an equally retro neighborhood. i felt like i was back home, smeling the county fair (cow pie for all you city folk). had a little taco 'hell' lunch, and all in all it was eventful. we still have a little shooting to do tuesday night i guess.
i stopped using icq in part due to the porn messages i kept receiving. well, now i've gotten two from aim this week. what is this world coming to?
argh, drunk as i was last night, i couldn't find it in me to kiss anybody. even the reasonably attractive guys at the lame party. there is one guy i think is totally hot round these parts, nice stature, nice voice. cute smile. but most likely nothing will come of that. and i probably would rather it were that way cuz i like him as a friend. it's kinda hard to 'play' a guy you are interested in intellectually. : ) but he IS really hot. so i guess that's a start. i'm opening my eyes up to INTERESTS. maybe the easter bunny will bring someone for me...
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 6:54 PM [+] ::
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:: Friday, March 29, 2002 ::
haha i can't stop laughing at wicked shane-dawg.... he is playing MATCHMAKER!!! arghhhh..... compromising positions in the backseat are all part of his plan.
first he has me waking up at so early dawn tomorrow am. for his movie. i am the STAR mwahaha. and NOW hsc omputer is p[rint itnj out wierd stuffs at me. weird. time to go to parties.
oh early today i hadl unchw/ the crew, adn ebeth (roommate ex of mine) , sat in on a kscr meeting, took a nap, and then to palms, a ristorante in west hollywood where my dad got me DRUNk on khalua+cream and white russians. and i had veal and lobster bisque and mmmclame baked. sandys' 40 bday and we had a cake! mmm... we saw matt dillon and elilott gold... awww ashit. sooo time to go upstairs.
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 11:09 PM [+] ::
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argh. i am so incompetent when it comes to relationships. anything interpersonal. loopy i guess you can say. i just dont' seem to know which way is up sometimes. but i really thought i found someone who would understand. someone as incompetent as me. someone i could grow with, who would teach me and let me teach him, how to love and be loved. i felt like i was on the way to understanding. understanding myself and being understood. but maybe that was my mistake, maybe i should not have let someone get to know me so well. i want that unconditional love that i have felt for so many, but have never felt myself worthy of. maybe my life's lesson will be to become comfortable. and when i find that comfort, i will die peacefully in my sleep. until the i will search the world over for the feeling of inner peace and understanding that leads to my own comfort. i had a glimpse of that peace once. i felt it in my every breath, surrounding my body and mind. but true inner peace must be something that is everlasting, unconditional, and i have to believe it is still out there to be found.
i really hope that is true.
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 4:19 AM [+] ::
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:: Thursday, March 28, 2002 ::
ooh now i am going to drown my sorrows in some MEAD, at the campus pub! can you believe that stuff is still around? i got some random email about it from someone who seems to know me... he says he made it! well danbaz, shane and i will be there and then we are getting some ice cream. mmmm... then tonight i will find a hot guy and go back to my ways of old (love em and leave em). i know the only reason i'd stay home is cuz i want a call or email to happen. but i know it won't, and maybe it's for the better. i don't want him forcing himself to write and say things he doesn't mean, even if it will make me feel good at the time. AND this will at least spice up my blogs! yay meaningless flings!
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 6:45 PM [+] ::
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well lucky me. i just checked the mail and got a beautiful postcard of la cathedrale notre-dame... it eludes to some adventure that i have not and will not get to hear the details of.
this is the first time receiving a postcard has ever made me cry. but i am comforted by my own tears. they are the only thing i can really rely on, knowing that when your heart breaks, tears will fall, salty and warm. can anything be more consistent?
i will not let this affect me any more, i will not let myself cry over someone who does not care about me, no matter how wonderful i make him up to be.
this weekend i will go out and kiss myself a boy. any boy, preferably very attractive. and i will know that there is no turning back. once i've kissed someone else, other than mike, i will know it is all over and i will not have even have the balls to turn back and beg for his affection ever again.
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 6:33 PM [+] ::
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today ian, terie and i went looking at houses again. we may likely have one right across the street, since the landlady likes us, but... she seemed a bit crazy. so we are hesitant. it IS furnished though. and it has a nice garden, and some parking spots.
well, as usual, today i just finally started getting 'down' cuz i hadn't heard from mike in four days. which isn't LONG but i was down, i really miss him, and today was the fifth anniversary of when we first met (i was sure he'd forgotten). and i had a lot of thoughts running 'round my head this week, thoughts of the future. and i realized my future doesn't really have anything to do w/ his future. that really hurts. but i can't let myself go on daydreaming about life w/someone who doesn't want to be with me. and all this is going through my head, when i sit down at my computer and mike is online. of course he hasn't messaged me. i had only put him back on my list last night anyways, so maybe he thought he was still not on it and i wouldn't notice (*i took him off cuz i feel like he doesn't want to talk to me when he's online, so it is up to him if he is going to message). looks like i should have left him off. i would have gotten his email and that would have been that, another email for someone thousands of miles away living a life that has nothing to do w/ me. i mean, i will be in europe this summer, and he doesn't even care. i have to re-evaluate myself, i guess, and figure out if i want to let him mean so much to me when i am so unnecessary to him. i mean do i really want to care about someone that i can't even have on my aim list? someone who can't be counted on to call on our anniversary? someone who doesn't put effort into US because making plans with ME puts too much stress on him? i mean he's not even coming to my graduation, and everyone seemed more bothered by that than i would let myself be, because i didn't want HIM to feel the stress.
i guess if he wanted to be with me, it wouldn't always feel like expecting him to care would be such a stress. i already have low enough self esteem, i dont need to be in love with someone who constantly reassures me that he doesn't feel motivated to be near me.
so it's over. again. he left me online, regardless of my feelings or the consequences. his life is his life, he needs his own space, and after traveling all over europe he still feels that way. he never even asked me to come visit him in scotland, i guess i shouldn't have done that, maybe it made things worse. spending two weeks with someone helps you to decide what you think of them, and i guess that means he doesn't think much of me at all. it was like a slap in the face, how easily he could just go offline and be over us. argh it was harsh but it was efficient, reminding me why i was such a fool to believe i was anything to him at all. and this time i am not making any effort to get him back. i asked him to decide how he felt about me, and funnily enough i never got an email response. so i really doubt he'll make an attempt to contact me. and this was the only way to find that out for sure.
what kind of friend can i be to anyone else if i am so incompetent with this all? being selfish, thinking i can make my dreams come true. this is daydream material, a beautiful boy to call my own, to love me and care about me. someone who will be around, and when he has to go he will tell me to come, or think of me when he's gone. someone i can count on, make plans with. a real, stable friendship and a real stable romance. but this is all daydreams, walking hand in hand on the beach stuff. this doesn't happen to people like me. all of my creativity stems from my losses, so everyone i meet is just bound to be a part of my torture. the torture i cause myself i make up all these beautiful dreams so i can look forward to something, knowing very well that nothing will come of them. when it comes down to it, these dreams are for one. for me. and i will never have anyone to share them with. and i've always known that, deep down. i just let myself forget. i let myself believe someone thought i was lovely. someone that made me smile. i just can't be lovely enough to make the feelings linger, and this i will remember forever. any time i think someone is different, special, i will have to remind myself. more forcefully than ever.
this is only a dream.
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 5:50 PM [+] ::
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so the end of wednesday was a bit better than the beginning. i think my quiz and midterm turned out great, for the most part, and got my tb-test and filled out tax forms for the daycare job. my brother called to tell me he was running out of hot vanilla powder to mix with his tea. and my aunt called, stressing me over plans for my family's trip down here. and she was asking a lot of questions about my boyfriend and why isn't she going to get to meet him. and why isn't he going to be at my graduation. i should have known better than to tell my mom anything about mike, but i was going to visit him so i figured i might as well... but then after all her snooping and 'advice', i felt unmotivated to do anything else. so i took a nap on a chair at jordan's house after the simpsons. for two hours. maybe it was cuz i hadn't eaten all day. but when i woke up, terie was asleep on the couch, so i guess it was a slumber party. then i eventually got a crew together to eat at canter's, which is always fun. just getting out of my QUIET apartment is great for me. i can't stand this roommate. ian thinks i should tip INS off to her anti-american ways. well she's anti-megan, and megan is american.... right?
i really have a lot of problems with people who are inconsistent. i mean moody is one thing. but people who are sometimes friendly and sometimes aloof - i just can't handle it. i usually try to find a way to get them to hate me, so i can justify one stable feeling of contempt. love me, hate me, but make up your mind!!!!
i just realized that this year (2002) i have been getting MORE junk mail than i have ever gotten through my usc email account. i am just about ready to retire my tired old PC anyways. and then i'm gonna head for the hills, no email, no blogs, no planning trips to mysterious greek isles. just me and my trusty unicorn. and once a week we'll have a large banquet in the ballroom of my mountaintop estate, feasting on chocolate covered strawberries and cheeesey fondue. mmmmmm......
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 2:01 AM [+] ::
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:: Wednesday, March 27, 2002 ::
this week really bites.
my computer has been sucking it up. yesterday i spent all day trying to figure out what it's problem was. then i finally tried to leave last night, and argh... don't even get me started. let's just say some people suck, and i guess i need to be more 'aloof' to have friends. or maybe i just need friends who value reliability. argh. i did get some thai goodies out of it but... argh...
thank god for jordan. well sometimes.... so i went to his place and tried to stay awake long enough to get studying done there.
i'd really like an A on my weekly quiz. but instead of nice, quiet study time i get phone call after phone call. and i get to think about how expensive all the housing is for next year. and THEN i just found out my watch is broken. maybe it just needs a new battery. but WHY TODAY? then i have to walk all the way back past my apartment, to severence street, to see a man about a horse. plus i've got to go BACK to campus to get another TB test, which means they are gonna stick some thing in my arm to blow air under my skin. gross. THEN i get to CRAM STUDY For my midterm, from which i must extract an A somehow.... not to mention i did not get any emails from mike the past two days : (
i am tempted to just stay here at my computer and play games til i die.
ok ok i'm leaving.
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 11:35 AM [+] ::
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:: Tuesday, March 26, 2002 ::
so finally my internet connection is back. but who knows how long i've got... it's been pretty moody lately. shane and i are testing out the latest version of trillian (thanks, a'ndrea!). i'll let you know how it works out. i am cancermnky on aim, and #23206020 on icq. i can't remember who i was on msn or yahoo.... i'll let you know when i figure that out.
i got myself a present in the mail yesterday. you know how much i love packages. this one was from sarah, packed full of girl scout cookies, PLUS a big purple bear (to add to my collection - this is my FOURTH purple sarah-bear), and a cute little note. and it isn't even a special occassion!!! awwww. i think everybody should be jealous that sarah loves me more than she loves them! mwahahhaa.....
i am getting over my cold. but i still feel crappy most of the time. achey and coughy and running nosey.... yeah.... last night we went to cafe 50s again (mmm sweet potato fries). the crew + 2. shane's buddies came along, i think they were scurred. ouch. jordan was taking up the whole table with his elbows, so it took me forever and a day to finish my food. i could only use my right arm during HIS breaks from eating, which wasn't often!
tomorrow i have a quiz in my greco-roman religion class, and a midterm in beatles. i SHOULD go to the bookstore to arrange for my cap n gown, but... i always forget. i also have to go by the infant center to get a copy of my TB-test results, to take over to the main office for usc child care. i need to get back in the system so i can start working and *getting paid*. yep, i'm broke. well i will be next month when i get the bill for my credit card, since i put TWO MONTHS RENT on it. plus a little discretionary action. ca-ching. and as soon as i'm on the payroll, i'll be working on setting up my summer workstudy so i can stay on part time all summer. since i'm an assistant teacher, it's a lot more flexible. and i like working with the ladies (the same staff is there from when i started in aug 1998!). i think i'd enjoy working only four 8hour days a week - tops!
AND THEN i have to go mail yet another 'letter of invitate', this time to my cousins in missouri w/ overnight express. they have to sign the letter and send it back, also overnight express, in order for it to get to my dad by friday (he is leaving this weekend). argh. he doesn't EVER do anything ahead of time. always so last minute, and i feel like i always get to be the headless chicken. boo! he just got back from seattle today and i'm already playing secretary, invitating the entire population of iran to stay my home.
speaking of my home, i really hope i get one soon. i mean i would like to NOT live at my dad's this summer. i could store my shite at his house until i get back from germany or whatever in june, but i think too much time w/ him would cause poor meggy to self destruct. he is going to morrocco, btw, but leaving me in germany cuz it's a GUY trip. which means he is going to be busy with hookers and other illegitiment behaviors that would bore me....?
thursday we are looking at a house or two, and then i want to get my shop on. i know, i said i was broke. but i have gift certificates that expire soon! can't let THAT happen. mwahaha. my goal is to have enough wearable clothes (most specifically undies and socks) so that i can go a whole MONTH without doing laundry. currently i'm barely breaking the three week mark.
hopefully i will feel 100% better by thursday, so i can also eat some crepes.
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 5:29 PM [+] ::
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:: Monday, March 25, 2002 ::
ok so tool isn't headlining this year. that really sucks. but i will STILL die if i can't go to coachella. i would love to go to both days, but since i can't even afford ONE of them, i will say i MUST go to day 1. i mean WHY is oasis headlining day 2? i thought they were hog-tied in courtney love's basement. but anyways, day 1 is BJORK, chemical bros, sasha and digweed, groove armada, beta band, PLUS bands that i like but not enough to keep typing about... go to the link. so who loves me enough to get me a ticket??? *winkwink*
did i ever mention that i went to a BON JOVI concert last year? with the crew - yes, we ALL went. and jordan helped me sneak up to the front where he had acquired free seatage. and yes, i had a great time. i'm definitely a product of the 80s. in fact, i have a whole mp3 folder dedicated to such atrocities. and i'm listening to them right now, feeling the cheese. and the big hair.
fyi, there is a national tetanus shortage. so try not to step on any rusty nails until further notice.
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 2:18 PM [+] ::
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