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:: Saturday, April 06, 2002 ::
ok i forgot to mention my comments are down. maybe they will be up later this week. oh and i also forgot to mention shane's new hat. it's a blowup plastic airplane and a hat - in one! sooo silly. i hope i get a pic of that soon to post for you!!! : )
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 10:49 PM [+] ::
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wow oh wow oh wow! today was pretty fun, i got out of my house for almost the entire day. i didn't get much sleep last night so i started feeling pretty loopy by the time i left springfest. but anyhow here's how it went....
i got up at 11, took my shower, and came over to wake up shane and terie. shane was talking mumbo jumbo.... something about me searching him and putting things back in order... so then we finally got our act together and drove to campus in peter's 'boy car'. it's his dad's suv, and it really says that on the license plate. i guess 'boy toy' was taken or we could have been in a really cool ride. somehow peter got me into springfest saying i was his cameraman. and he needed me. he also confused the lady guarding. so the first band was kinda uhhh not so great. i didn't even catch their name. so after this tall promoter convinced me to walk through and take free stuff TWICE, shane and i went to get jamba juice and krispy kremes at cafe 84, and walked back. ok i know this sounds boring. but it was good times! today was a good day. things have been looking up since thursday morning somehow. back to today.... so we passed the group of promoters again, this time on the other side of campus (exploring?) and this same tall one smiled at me, and i got all nervous. i have my contacts on so i dont think i was acccidently looking at him... television music was starting when we got back. i guess they were ok, i have met half the band on various occassions (two of them took me to weezer last spring) but i must be honest.... they aren't the best band i've heard. i think if they had some strong lead vocals and a strong lead guitar w/ some tricky parts, it would be much better. but i mean they had three guitars and none were doing anything special. but they are new together so maybe they will become the greatest band of all time...
: )
shane and i resorted to rolling around in the grass between songs, i was doing somersaults to get dizzy. ian and gabe showed up eventually. epic hero something something was ok, it had its moments. as did the next band. but none were very memorable until 4th ave. jones. that was some great music, it was getting the whole audience revved. i would have to consider it the high point of the afternoon. after all, they had a whole party up on stage, two guys rapping/singing, one lead girl singer (she was quite a mini-diva!), a talented lead guitarist w/ strong riffs, violinist (seemed classically trained, that was a nice touch), and a funky bass guitarist. the two backup singers were doing their own cute choreographed dance in the back, and they had a drum set and guy spinning for rythem. i think that was it. anyhow, it all grooved together, they were all good at what they did and it sounded great together, and they were obviously having a lot of fun. buku (sp?) and del the funkee homosapien were up next, and that was cool but i wasn't really feeling it. he didn't sound like he had in the mp3s i've listened to and maybe it was the sound system but .... eh. and i was tired. over the course of the day ian and shane kept trying to get me to talk to the tall promoter cuz he was supposedly smiling at me a lot. but i chickened out after making a fool out of myself (i felt) a few times in front of him... long story. but it was all in fun, i kinda enjoy making a fool out of myself, the adrenaline is great. never a dull moment when you are as absolutely ridiculous as i am. then came the fire dancers. oooh ahhh. fiery nunchucks (sp?), fans, swords, etc. my favorite part was the chick w/ the fiery hula hoop! ohh that was amazing, she was great! i swear i forgot to blink a few times. then lit came on and my crew left mostly. i have seen lit open for garbage and bon jovi (shut up) so three times was not gonna be a charm. anyhow i had a lot of fun and free food and drinks (dano had new castle and sobe throughout the day for me) so i was ready to move on. dan baz, dan riley, derek, terie, shane and i went to brandy's. too bad the saturday bartender is a little bitch. argh. my favorite guy was there though and he told me what nights he and kip work so i can make sure to get good service : ) so on and so on.... blahblahblah. i saw jessica from the coffee bean w/ her guy, pat-n-kirk, oh and i saw horny steve today. let me blog about HIM later... hahaha. maybe i'll even post an entire email he sent me last summer. HE is ridiculous. oh and GILU emailed me from bombay! she's the coolest, and i am glad to hear from her!!! and i'm glad she's not in israel right now....
we gotta get going, i have a list of six parties on my little memo pad here and at least ONE of them will be good! i hope...
oh and btw, terie, shane and we decided no doubt should have been the headlining band at springfest - hell let them headline EVERY year. really, who doesn't like at least two songs by nodoubt? and they are the best in concert, sooo much fun! so we are grieving in shane's room for a concert that should have been and singing ALL of tragic kingdom, very loudly and probably not so much on key.
washed up on the shore, give me one last chance to try some more. let's end it on this!
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 10:41 PM [+] ::
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did i mention i'm shane's manager? he is the HIGH LEVEL WEB DESIGNER for kscr, and i am the man behind the magic. mwhahahaha. i am also his personal assistant, as i clean his room, chauffeur, chaperone, loan $, and frequently wake him up for appointments. terie is the web master, and shane's agent. he spoke on behalf of shane to get the job, even if the job was set up through his own roommate. yes very complicated, and slightly incestual. that is the sticky web known to mortals as the color council. i am just documenting this relationship w/ my client as we now feel WE (after all, I AM his ride) are entitled to COACHELLA TICKETS that kscr so foolishly plans to give out at the remy zero concert. this is an atrocity, and i will not stand for it. after all my client did for the station... mwahhaa.. ok enough bitching. all in good fun, i am going whether i get a free ticket from kscr or i have to steal one from a thirteen year old punk ass kid when i get there. ok the sun is coming up and i feel like i don't have a reason to deprive myself of anymore sleep. napping past 8pm puts me off schedule! goooodnight!
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 5:39 AM [+] ::
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ok i'm about at the end of my ropes w/ this page. i have now offended two people with it, even though the first was clerared up. and i really dont mean to offend anyone. that is why i try to keep it TO THE PAGE and as vague as can be. i live in a fantasy land. that is safe to say. and THIS Is a direct reflection of my fantasies. either it's a place to whine about the fantasies that i come to realize are never to be, or it is a place to sift through thoughts of dreams i am yet to understand. nothing is real here. it's all my emotional reactions and feelings, more than anything based on fact or reality. i dont like explaining this either, cuz it takes the fun out of it for me. like calorie counting while eating chocolate cheesecake. whatever. sometimes i get offended by things people say or do and i just make a huge deal out of it in my head and try to make the person who offended me out to be some terrible monster when i am the one who is too sensitive and over reacting. i know this. but i find it hard to remember while i am feeling the anger immediately, so i write about why i feel how i do right when i feel it, to 'simma down'. then i can look back and tell myself how much of MY fault it was and i can hate myself for it and move on, hopefully staying clear of similar situations. so i apologize to anyone i fuck over in the process of putting myown life back together, but honestly i only do it when i do because i dont feel like you would care anyways. i write about drama to get rid of it, dramatizing my daily life. to get it out of my system. my life has been compared to a seinfeld episode by many, and honestly it is frustrating to be trapped in something so trivial and meaningless. i just want to make sense of it all, at least enough to get me motivated to get out of it. i dont want drama ABOUT what i write, that would defeat the purpose. i dont want to stop writing, cuz it helps me keep in contact with a lot of people that i am terrible at keeping in contact with. it keeps me from leaving things out. and it keeps me from feeling alone. i feel like people care cuz they read this, and maybe somebody out there feels better knowing they aren't the only one feeling certain things. i try to avoiding using names when i am upset at someone so they dont get hurt but i guess i am still too obvious. i'm sorry.
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 5:14 AM [+] ::
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did i mention DAVE has a FERRET??? anyways, about to meet gabe at chano's w/ some people (he called and said 'i want tacos'). anyhow, i am very fond of my roommate pics for next year. now if only we had an apartment/house lined up for sure!
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 2:39 AM [+] ::
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just got bavck from red dave's par-tay. fun fun fun. terie played beer pong and i got hit on by a bunch of older guys. one was smooth, asked me if i had a name. i convinced him i didn't. i hope. anyhow i am really glad i left campus and went to meet some new people tonight. some girl kept winking at me. she was torn between gabe and i. ian and adrian were also there. we acted the fool the whole way home, poor sober sister adrian. tomorrow i will stick around though. peace out yo
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 2:34 AM [+] ::
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:: Friday, April 05, 2002 ::
wow today was chaos from the start. i woke up at 11, and go to work rounding up eight people to fill out apps for that house.... i went to class and afterwards continued finding people to fill out apps. it kinda pissed me off, people bailing before we even got to the contract phase. they knew we needed all 8 to get even through to the next stage and they were all flipping out! argh. but somehow i got 8 apps from my great and helpful friends, and took them to the dude. and he said they were maybe raising rent. he asked me what i thought and i told him how the other houses w/ less rooms (less traffic) were only about $600/room and they were furnished w/ parking. i said why would anyone want to pay more than $500/room for a house w/ no parking and furniture and have to share a kitchen w/ that many people??? but i told him to call me after the credit check to tell me the details. maybe i'm a bitch but that seemed shady, and i kinda made him feel bad i think, he doesn't know what he's doing. new landlord. anyhow, he was asking me if it was ok, so i wasn't gonna lie. i am glad landlords seem to prefer females... so meanwhile we are also getting together a group of ten for a six bedroom on 29th. we were hesitant about finding ten people before, but now that we have 8, ten seems easy! so housing for next year is seeming much more possible... anyhow, after turning in all the apps i went to cheesecake factory in brentwood w/ ebeth, my old apartment-mate. (i recommend the heathbar coffee crunch cheesecake to those of you wanting a dessert adventure). it was great to see her cuz we don't get together much so we always have a lot to say when we do. she had a hostel experience in ireland that was ten times worse than mine in london. hers involved farting drunken irish men, vomit, and a bedtime visitation. amazing. then we headed out to samy's camera, where we ran into sarah, mark's ex. that was crazy cuz i always see her around, especially when i go out to eat. last time was at cpk downtown. all in all, today went by pretty fast and i'm still feeling strangely fine. maybe i won't even drink tonight! or maybe i will. : ) but first a nap!
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 7:40 PM [+] ::
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tonight was great. i dont know why, maybe it was the weather earlier. i went for a nice long walk when i was seeing the house. everything just seemed to go smoothly.
when i came home i felt the urge to rock out. so i took a cd in my room, away from my roommate, and put it on loud enough for me but not enough to get her bitching again. i was like ok here i am in my room, w/ music. now what. so i started dancing. and exercising. i got myself all excited, i even called shane to say how happy i was feeling. like a new woman. i think i finally bounced back, i'm not being overly sensitive to anything now. like i can get out of my head and see things rationally again. this is great.
anyhow after that i went rollerblading to meet people on campus at kscr. it was nice to get out, and then on the way back i ran into a few pals. then to dinner, and after that i went to campus by myself and met a whole bucket full o friends at the art party. i didn't drink at all but i had a lot of candy (on top of all the caffeinated ice teas from dinner). i maybe got us two more housemates also. we'll find out tomorrow. i really wish shane could live w/ us, and shaun and everyone else around here! : ) oh well!
wow i'm really glad nothing worked out w/ the 'hot' guy. he turned out to be a real asshole. but i mean a lot of people warned me. even a close friend of his. if your own friends warn girls about you, then you have got to be a shithead. argh. i took him off my list for good, not even on block, just deleted. i think i subconsciously hunt down guys to treat me like shit when i feel like shit. luckily today i decided i was over him. so i was gonna try and get some sort of conclusion out of it. but he tries to act all superior, what a loser. ok maybe he's not that bad but jesus.... he needs to get some balls and get some sort of identity. ok now i'm gettng bitchy. i'm over it.
that was basically the only bad thing that happened today since i woke up, that situation with mr. emotionless. but maybe that was also good, cuz i got that out of the way. i don't think it was worth my time, and things are starting to pick up so i needed to throw out the trash so to speak. and danbaz was in bad shape at the party cuz he's still quitting smoking, it's slowly leaving his system, those years of nicotine built up... he'll be ok though, somehow. but anyhow, when i got home from the party tonight, i was on my cloud. i'd somehow even scored a ride home and found out that some cool people lived in my building - on top of all my other friends that i've already been visiting. too bad it's almost time to leave! i made plans to go out w/ my friend aly in the near future. big red and i were gossiping about this slut girl and beer goggles, while wearing brittany spear crossroads lip gloss (courtesy of paramount intern sticky finger ian). what a pair! so by the time i'm home, about 2:30am, i was glowing from my grand old time and very hyper yet still sober and there it was.
an email.
i am not sure if it is THE email. it was very brief.
but it was an email. from someone very special. one that makes you relieved that it's not from a mass-email list.
so i am anxiously awaiting a followup, but i actually have a busy day ahead of me tomorrow. finally. i am really picking myself back up and it was nice to find this email at a time that i could really appreciate it.
i am glad i have friends. and i am glad that i can love.
and i love you and you and you and you!
yes and you!
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 3:57 AM [+] ::
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i'll explain later, but i'd have to say it was a good day. : )
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 2:15 AM [+] ::
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:: Thursday, April 04, 2002 ::
shane, peter, terie, jordan, kyle and i went to mccormick's tonight for din-din. i got myself a $2 cheeseburger and fries, w/ a side of teriyaki. mmm. mmmmmmmmmmmmmm. sweet. jordan was quite annoying though, he made a huge fuss about paying an extra $1. well he ate enough of the sugar packets that he should have paid them a whole extra $1.50!!! damn him. sometimes he makes things really unpleasant. and i have to remind myself that he can be cool. sometimes.
i am out to look for parties. terie and i that is. maybe we'll go meet up w/ the rest of my buds on campus. eh. tomorrow we turn in our app for an 8 bedroom house on ellendale. boo-yeah. : ) wish us luck!
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 11:27 PM [+] ::
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my life must have spiced up, i notice that i'm not giving you my NAP play by play as much. or maybe i just can't sleep cuz my ROOMMATE is always in there napping. i dont' even wanna be in the same room as her. i'd rather nap on jordan's couch! argh...
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 6:08 PM [+] ::
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i feel like such a terrible friend. i found out something about someone, and i can't say anything. like i can't be supportive cuz i dont know how to be supportive without being obvious (wow i am having deja vous about writing this, even about writing about deja vous - flaw in the matrix)..... anyways, i just need to vent cuz i can't intervene directly now. i feel like i would mess stuff up more. i am also kinda hurt that i wasn't told about this directly, cuz i think i am usually open minded and understanding. i mean i want my friends to trust me and when someone i love doesnt' trust me i feel like i haven't done my part in the friendship, or i slipped up somewhere. i do have a big mouth, when i'm drunk, but if someone tells me not to tell anyone, it's zipped! so now i'm sitting at my desk eating chocolate contemplating whether i should say what i know or just wait until i can be trusted. some things really should be talked about, cuz if they stop going as planned.... well everybody needs support, and some secrets will tear us apart.
last month i recently told someone a secret about me. something i'd never told anyone. i always felt so guilty about it. and telling this person made me feel better. but i guess i also felt more vulnerable because i'd told him. so i sometimes regret telling anyone, but i know that holding it inside was doing nothing but harm.... i have plenty more where that came from, and i wish someday i can just write a huge book about all this shit and just feel open and aired out and ready to move on....
meanwhile, chocolate saves the day....
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 4:42 PM [+] ::
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i had more dreams last night. now i understand what shane was talking about. he just went through a similar phase where he'd sleep all day long and have wacky-ass semi-troubling dreams... my last night dream involved the little old lady pastor from the church i went to growing up (she was hell on wheels!). well she had a bird and always talked about him, so in my dream i guess it was fitting that she had a ferret and brought him to church. a good part of that dream revolved around the ferret, rolling around and scratching his back. he was more like a sea serpant, only on land. very strange. i dont' remember much else, just the lady's face and the ferret and being troubled. and i woke up w/ a tummy ache. when i was younger, i used to have bad terrible dreams with matching stomach aches all the time, about things chasing me (people, cars, sharks on land, monsters, glowing wooden hairbrushes). the shark one was reoccuring so i can still remember it exactly how it happened to this day. sometimes cars would chase me, and sometimes my mom would leave me in the car and it would just roll away and i would not know how to drive so we would just roll down hill after hill. a lot of my dreams involve chasing and hills. i'm hoping there's a deeper interpretation than the obvious, but who knows. i do have a nifty COMMENT BOX now if anyone wants to let me know what they think. : )
SOMEBODY USE THE DAMN THING! don't be shy!
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 12:53 PM [+] ::
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awww shit...
 Which David Bowie are you?
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 3:07 AM [+] ::
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i hate being so neurotic. i get tunnel vision sometimes, and freak out about stupid shit. probably just to distract me from real problems that i can't do anything about. i ended up putting the hot guy on my block list on aim. i just couldnt' handle it anymore. why does someone come online if they are just gonna ignore people? unless they are available to everyone else... maybe i'm just a paranoid bitch, but i'm pretty sure he just didn't want to talk to me, to the point where he wanted me to KNOW that he didn't want to talk to me. he probably won't stay on block too long, i dont block people. i like to keep all my doors open, cuz hating people takes alot of energy. but i can't stand people who are so good at being cold and emotionless. really insensitive and inconsiderate people drive me bonkers! maybe cuz i can't be that way, i envy them? sometimes it hits me when i am just overwhelmed w/ emotions, i shut down. but i am just fiery by nature. i can't feel anything without feeling it intensely. and usually it's contagious. once freshman year here, i was all down and messaged a friend from home about it. he was convinced that my emotional charge was my charm. cuz i guess when i'm high, i take everyone with me, like contagious. so when i'm down, i'm just charging up. like it draws people in. that is a nice though, whether it is true or not. that maybe my moodiness has a purpose or benefit. eh.
shane is a member of some audiogalaxy club for sex music. he doesn't know how, but they have been sending him these home-made sex mp3s, sound tracks of love, etc. some samples from pornos, and what not. HOLLA! we had that up full blast until jose came in and pretended he knew what film it was from. terie thought shane was being unproductive. i think he was getting ideas for his next film, so that is kinda like homework, right?
whoever is at kscr right now, mad props out to them! late-night hiphop. they have some good remixes of songs that i would not normally like. some reggae rasta mix, nellie furtado, missie.... smooth mix. 'who got da keys to my beamer?'
i'm calling in to thank them. terie did and they were scared. probably cuz someone is listening haha. they have like fifteen listeners!!!
and if any of you see dan baz, tell him to hang in there, he's going on four days now without a cigarette! YOU CAN DO IT DAN!!!
: )
tomorrow we are going to look at more houses. i'm sure glad people like to show houses on my day off. so what if i have a lot of days off. : ) i am also going to work tomorrow, maybe after. if i feel up to it. i really worked a lot last semester, and made like $5000.... so i feel like i am still entitled to a vacation. maybe i am just not ready to face the ladies yet. they were pretty excited that i had a guy finally and they will be asking about him as soon as i get back... these ladies love gossip, and they have been waiting almost four years to gossip about me. i just dont know what to say or do when they ask, and i dont want my face to show how i feel about it. sometimes i'm not so good at covering things up.
wow i am glad i just figured out why i've been avoiding work. i really like working there. i need to get my ass in gear dammit!
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 2:45 AM [+] ::
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on the way to brandy's tonight, i was walking across campus. it may not be the NICEST campus out there, but i like it. at night especially. i think it's kinda romantic, at least compared to the surrounding area. every time i am walking around at night i wish i had a nice guy on my arm, just to talk to and relax with. so i got to brandy's early, talkd w/ the bartender, he got me watching amazing race on the big screen tv. then by the time terie and peter showed up i had already drank a khalua and cream and a gin and tonic. i waited for terie to catch up and had a white russian with him. then we came back to troy to wait for shane and jordan, so we could go to canter's. meanwhile i decided to make the hot guy hate me (cuz he sure as hell won't act interested) and i was gonna work my magic to get SOME sort of reaction out of him. instead i talked to another friend, who basically told me to give up. i am not very good at giving up. i am actually kind of a perfectionist, when i am not careful, and i like to see things through, from start to finish. anyhow, i was pretty drunk and volatile. and when we got to canter's, i finally ate something for the day. i didn't plan on it, but i was really drunk! so i didnt' go the whole day without food. i finished off terie's drink, so i am sitll kinda tipsy. terie and peter paid for us, and shane ordered himself a $15 cheesecake on the way out!!!!!!! things should have been really great tonight, good friends, good food. derek called me while i was at canter's to invite me to in-n-out. so i AM loved. but i'm just kinda going through the motions right now. not really paying attention to much of anything for too long. i'm still waiting for an email that may never come. my fifth anniversary part 2 w/ mike came and went. without a word. well he's off in god knows where so that may be why. but he may also just really be over me. it is one week ago today, thursday, that things turned to shit. real shit. so maybe this time was for real. i am not really taking it too well. but i have a lot of plans for tomorrow so hopefully that will pick me up and get me moving. i am an idiot, and this is my punishment. lonliness.
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 1:49 AM [+] ::
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:: Wednesday, April 03, 2002 ::
I got back a midterm from last Wednesday today. 90/102. ARGH. I really wanted a 96 at least..... But I guess it is OK, I'll get over it : )
I wanna give a shout-out to my homegirl Sarah P! She THINKS I don't love her anymore. Yes, Sarah, I do read your whiney blog : ) And I do love you. THIS MUCH!. So there. And I did not LIKE falling down in the bathroom on the DC band trip! I think I just fell when I tried to get out of the shower, it was really relaxing. I was really tired because after spending a whole day sight-seeing and rehearsing, your Herbal Essence turban and Stinky E kept us up all night talking to her BOYS on the phone! I miss all that too. High school was traumatic, but there were a lot of good times. Bus rides to band competitions, playing card games for hours and acting absolutely ridiculous, eating candy making fun of who was making out with who. Funniest cuz it was never the same both ways, especially if Timmmmmm was involved! And most likely Rachel will be reading this too, and she knows how the trips went. The last real road trip I went on was our trip from Seattle to The Gorge to see BetaBand/Radiohead with Stevie and his crew. We had a huge caravan, lots of stops to get junk food at gas stations, and we camped overnight at the concert grounds??? Just like High School.... I miss everyone a lot. I want to move back home after I graduate in December, but I may not do it. I feel like so much has changed, everyone is in different places now. I do miss people there, Sarah, Rachel, Pam, my sister and nephew, my brother, Ruthbug and the fam. I lost contact w/ a lot of my other friends, but I could maybe get back in touch and build my relationships back up. I just kinda give up being down here. I like to put HOME up on the shelf, like a memory, and hope that it will stay the same. Thinking about it makes me sad. I have some good friends here that I will miss. That also took a lot of effort, because my freshman year was a flop socially. I put a lot of time and effort and care into friendships with people I lived near. I spent a lot of time in teh computer labs and at Leavey library, didn't party unless it was a private party at our apartment. I really missed home, people in LA are very very different. Sure, they still speak English, but I even had to change a lot of my normal words and phrases to avoid getting laughed at. Finally at the end of freshman year, my friends got rid of me (thanks to one bitch-girl), and I was really out on my own. I learned not to settle on what is around me, and that I could pick out who I wanted to meet from this population of 30,000. Later I got a job near Beverly Hills, and I realized I had access to an even larger population, and that really helped. My first real friend at USC that I still like to keep in contact with is A'ndrea, and she left not long after. But that really stuck with me, it gave me hopes fo meeting other nice and funny and intersting people around here. And I have. If I do leave after school, I will miss Shane, Ian, Terie, Jordan, etc a lot. A LOT. OK time to go meet Terie at Brandy's.... I love the bartenders there, they are cool to chill and watch TV with...
Oh yeah and you may have noticed, I put extra effort into this blog because I used ALL PROPER CAPS!!! Well I tried. I have a huge paper coming up and I always have trouble getting back into the swing of things typing, especially with stuff like "I".
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 8:41 PM [+] ::
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i JUST WOKE UP, at 2:45pm. i was having vivid dreams all night and i somehow shut off both of my alarms to get back to them....
i had the most terrible dream sequences, one after another, not really tied in to each other but all terrible.
dan baz was in my dream too, he was smoking. shane was there and knew he was smoking, and i was so sad cuz he hadn't even gone a week for quitting yet. i know, lame dream, but i was really sad about it.
and somehow i went to see the guy i love, and he was living at some nice house in casa grande, arizona (where my aunt lives - i had imagined her street when she called me last, i've never been there). it was nighttime, in a private neighborhood, w/ caldesacs (sp?) and cute driveways and little lawnside gardens - come to think of it my whole dream happened at night accept for the last part.... all very suburban and quiet and peaceful and the air was still. he was being kinda cold with me, like glad to see me but hoping i was going to leave soon. he was in love with someone else. maybe getting married? i kinda had to just keep my mouth shut and accept it, he was under this spell of love and didnt' care about anything else. kinda the way i was with him. and there was nothing i could do. it didnt make a lot of sense, there was a huge family party and his mom (not his real mom, his dream mom) was this lovely blond smiling lady, kinda like my high school ex's mom, and she was so nice to me but i could feel that it was just for show. and then for some reason his friend got married to the other girl instead, but he still didnt' want me. there was a lot that made me feel strange but i can't say specifics. and at the end i was running down the street that was like a candy aisle, but still a hilly street, and someone said i wish we had cookies. and i was like WE DO just grab one! and i was trying to encourage shoplifting as we ran but none of us did it. i just kept running and running and i wanted to do all this stuff but i felt like i couldn't or shouldn't and that it was all over for me. so many people were in this dream, like it was legitimizing what was happening. good friends even. then i woke up. 2:45. scared, hot (the window was shut!) and too late for my first class. i think it was cuz i had a tummy ache when i went to sleep last night at like 5am. i was really having a lot of trouble going to sleep too. weird.
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 2:57 PM [+] ::
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how odd. i finally decided to go to yaccs to add comments to my page, and low and behold - they stopped allowing new members at midnight!!!! TONIGHT! so i got this other one, where i can't see how many comments i have but oh well : ) have fun!
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 2:42 AM [+] ::
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Zion I, a band that performed on campus tonight, was really pretty good underground hip hop. they're on nu gruv alliance, check them out.
i am so frustrated right now. mentally, sexually.... every which way. i am not going to eat until i get some action i think. i need an attractive guy to put out for me. something has to change before i can settle back into my 'normal' day of eating sleeping drinking. i feel more unattractive than i ever have, and less productive. i can't have a boyfriend, i can't even get a guy to date or 'see' me. i've really hit bottom, no one ever turns ME down. i know i'm not HOT but that never stopped me from getting guys before! and to make matters worse, we all know how i love disinterested guys. i really try to consciously NOT DO THIS, but i always seem to fall for guys who can't stand to be around me.
i think i just mess stuff up for myself because i don't want to let it get to the point where i start to let my guard down and feel something and THEN he blows me off. i would much rather get blown off now by the hot guy than get comfortable with him or ATTACHED or anything ridiculous. so i think i kinda did stuff on purpose so he would blow me off, woops. i am really good at this kinda thing, i do it to normal friend type people too. pre-make-out rejection is a lot softer than post-make-out break ups. eh? i can't get the hot guy to say he's not interested or to say he IS, for that matter. i can't even get my ex to say he's disinterested in me (uh oh, i mentioned him again, who will tell THIS TIME?). NO ONE WILL SAY IT, but do i have ANY dates for this weekend??????
NO!!!!
i hate thinking that someone is your friend, treating them like a friend, trying to keep them involved, only to wake up and realize they have been treating you like shit and they are phony and would never do a thing to help you out.
and today someone that i haven't seen since last semester (i think) came across my path on my way to get 99cent grub, and he SMILED AND WAVED!!!! it didn't look phony, but i am obviously letting some ass holes slide in my old age. and he did tell me once that he HATED ME. he was just another example of someone that i found interesting and tried to be friends with that maybe i subconsciously didn't trust so i sent him bad vibes and said weird things to scare him off... i am such a freak.
i got another parking ticket (no boot, thank god), and my job was relocated without anyone telling me. yeah, the WHOLE DAYCARE. so i never got to work today, i got all the way to parkside to find it gone and realized they must have finally moved to portland (past 28th) like they've been saying they would for two years! so i guess i will go tomorrow. today just really sucked. and you may have aleady guess cuz this is my gazillionth blog since i woke up this morning!
and now shane is going to take back our ibuprofens, the really really strong ones that kill the pain in my mind (after caling me a horse).
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 2:18 AM [+] ::
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ok i now have four blogs other than this. one is secret, one is a waste of space(for now!), one is a party/events bulletin, and one is a convention center for my 'crew'. this could be sad. or it could be a good thing. cuz some of you really need someone to laugh at!
: )
and thanks, ariel, for reading my LIFE STORY from february til now. you love me, you really love me!
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 12:52 AM [+] ::
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:: Tuesday, April 02, 2002 ::
i'm out of control!
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 6:22 PM [+] ::
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i feel like shane. i even stole his line today. i'm basically at the point where i have a job, but i just haven't shown up to start working yet. well today is the day, i'm really tired but hopefully i'll get at least 3 hours in... then later i will finish shane's movie w/ him and then MAYBE go to that hiphop thing on campus if it's still going on. no offense shane but you turned me into a BIG LAZY BUM and i'm liking it! : P maybe i was meant to major in some performing art, like shower-opera. i cant' be expected to have a concept of time, i'm an artist!!!!
btw we are going to coachella. somehow. : ) plans are in the works.
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 1:47 PM [+] ::
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so i forgot to move my car last night. and it was on the tuesday side. that means i have a ticket. the problem is, i dont want to go SEE my ticket cuz i may also have THE BOOT. i lost track of my tickets, i am NOT paying them. i have a plan for that. but if i have THE BOOT i'm screwed!!! someone come hold my hand so we can go check on my car. : (
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 1:25 PM [+] ::
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'it's sad really'
shane's neighbor is singing his heart out today. i went over and heard, and it was not pretty.
Jester Jade (1:12:21 PM): wow, nothing sadder than a karaoke party for one
jester is truly a wise man.
a good friend of mine is also experiencing some unrequited affections. he sent me HIS break-up song (rosemary clooney's 'love, you didn't do right by me') which was undeniably cheesey, and sadly cute. so i will let him hear one of the songs that helps me get through rejection by reminding me that this happens to people all of the time.
i put it up once already, so go here [+] to hear it.
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 1:19 PM [+] ::
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i am sending out a very important email, and i have written it FOUR TIMES. and started over completely each time. cuz it makes no sense. if only i put this much effort into my classes....
i NEED distractions. so if a lot of my efforts as of late seem shallow, its' cuz I NEED SHALLOW right now. i can only swim in the deep end for so long before i go under....
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 3:19 AM [+] ::
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today was not so bad. it started off pretty shitty though.
i would just like to let the obvious be known - this is MY page. this is where i ponder, vent, praise, criticize, hate, love... whatever i need to get off my chest. i realize the need to participate in daily readings of the lives of others, in a voyeuristic sense. but really - if you don't like me, this really isn't something you should be reading. i dont know WHO it is, but SOMEONE who is reading my page is taking liberties to pass on what they read here, and maybe passing it off in a negative light. this could be a misunderstanding, but i don't want to have to worry about who is reading this every time i write something. that would definitely defeat the purpose. i hold enough back as it is, but once and a while i get going, and it feels better. i do have TWO sites, one which is very much anonymous. but i like to write here, to let people back home know wassup.
i do want to apologize if you are one of these people reading who has been offended by my mention of a past relationship. i really try to make my references as vague as possible (that's my nature anyways) but some feel that i am making my ex out to be a really terrible fellow.
he isn't. he is the greatest guy ever. i wouldn't be so upset about losing him if he was a terrible guy. i love him to death. maybe i didn't make it clear enough, but i don't blame him for our break up. it is just as much (if not more) my fault as his. but perhaps even trying to clear this up, i am offending friends-o-mike. argh.
on to the next topic....
so after a troubling email that i woke up to, i went to class and tried to pay attention. i was still thinking about the email, so i didn't hear a word that was said until 1pm when i got up to meet shane and peter for lunch at kscr. (drama)
turns out peter was supposed to meet terie, whom shane and i didn't call since we made up our plan so last-minute. terie hates when we call him last minute. but terie found us all and 'made a scene'. i don't blame him really, peter is an ass sometimes. a furry, lovable ass. but ... ... ... i got my grad announcement in the mail today. now i just need to buy A MILLION STAMPS!!!
ok then came beatles class. we watched magical mystery tour. it made me realize that i could maybe blame my insanities on my early collection of music. i had various motown and disco and soundtrack records, from the 50s on. and i had magical mystery tour on tape, knew it through and through. that is really not kid-listening-material. it warped my fragile little mind.
anyhow that film.... well it was more confusing than eraserhead. really i had no idea what was going on or why... but it was an experience i guess. : )
after class i meant to take a nap but ended up online again. then kristin and i went over to the 'battle of the bands' at ground zero, and met up w/ danbaz and the girl who thinks i'm cute and some other great people. dan is trying to quit smoking - you go, girl. watch out though, he's bound to bite SOMEBODY's head off... : ) i proceeded to consume a lot of chocolate and caffeinated drinks cuz everyone was generous. terie took us around on his litle go-cart and we used it to chase jose on the track! had a khalua and cream at brandy's w/ the crew for a bit. we watched the bachelor. and NOW i have to watch it again to find out who wins. dammit. if you haven't seen that show.... let's just say 'it's sad really'. a bunch of fluffy girls throwing themselves at a rich guy who really ain't much to look at.... back to the concert, then another ride on the go-cart. now i am listening to my friend's m's kscr show. they rule cuz they played my request for tool's H.
and you thought i was a student.
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 12:56 AM [+] ::
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:: Monday, April 01, 2002 ::
remember that guy who is bored and blogging, that i mentioned earlier tonight? well he is on aim talking to me right now. he is my soul mate, in more ways than one. still a little young, but he'll figure stuff out. too bad he met me right after i stopped believing in love. ? that's how it always works though, right?
the birds are chirping like nobody's business. i can't believe i am still up.
and this kid, he is 2 hours ahead. that is ridiculous.
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 4:58 AM [+] ::
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as a human, i am obsessed with myself. finding out who i am. i guess. that is my excuse for all these stupid quizes.... : )
this one basically says i'm into ugly guys w/ furry feet, who cry a lot, but are good in bed.....???
Congrats, your celeb match is Elijah Wood! You like a guy who's sweet, sensitive, a real sweetie who's truly a dork at heart! He can be shy at times, but you'll be there to reassure him. This guy is perfect for a meaningful long term relationship. He may never be on the cover of 'seventeen' but his true beauty and talent will be remembered. He'll treat you like a true princess. You are one lucky gal!
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 4:35 AM [+] ::
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hmmmm.....
You are a DUMBLEDORE to Harry! You are kind, nice and a bit crazy. Everyone looks up to you and respects you. You're basically the nice old guy in the bunch ;D
Which adult in Harrys life are YOU?
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 4:07 AM [+] ::
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i'm a palladin, be scurred.
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 4:00 AM [+] ::
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like shane says, be scared. be very, very scared.
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 3:55 AM [+] ::
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my god...
Which Spice Girl Are You?
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 3:52 AM [+] ::
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i am at shane's. he has these new singles. j lo's aint it funny (the original version), and something from o brother where art thou? so we're watching a dancing scrotum on his microsoft plus media player. he also has a funky wheelchair guy, and a bunch of jiggly jellyfish. FUN!
i forgot about this. earlier when i was drunk, barry was here creating kscr-drama w/ peter. i came rushing in, declaring my need to masturbate. loudly. did i really need to? no. so why did i say it?
i have no idea...
and that was just one of the crazy things that came out of my mouth. i was honestly out of control, jumping on the couch. TOO MUCH SUGAR!
terie is here, also bored. he updated his blog.
this is funny. some guy has the same template as me. and we have a lot in common. we are both bored, nap all day, blog all night, bitch about our unrequited affections, and classify 'organizing mp3s' as PRODUCTIVE BEHAVIOR. he needs to work on his content a little. but hey, who am i to bitch about someone else's blog? mine is a whiney piece of.....
check out this ridiculous quiz:
Find out which LifeSaver you are.
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 3:40 AM [+] ::
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you know what sucks?
having a boyfriend reach 'best friend' status.
i was laying in bed last night, feeling like i really needed to call mike. like a fire in my stomach, and i kept thinking 'if only i could hear his voice, this would all stop mattering'. i had become kinda dependent on him to be someone i would talk to when i was down. when my roommate was calling me all those names the other day, i desperately wanted to call him, but he was nowhere near a phone. when that weird stuff happened in my stomach and so on friday, i forgot about all the problems we were having and just wanted him to tell me it would be ok inside of me. he would cheer me up, take it all out of my head. every time he called, i would be walking on air all afternoon. so of course, when i get dumped, the first person i want to call to get reassurance from is... the dumper. that may not make sense to a lot of you. but to me, what has happened and the person who has done it are very disconnected. i guess it is my own self defense.
as soon as my whole mind realizes just what is going on, i may have a nervous break down! argh.
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 1:07 AM [+] ::
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:: Sunday, March 31, 2002 ::
well here i am at my dad's. on the verge of tears.
the first thing i saw when i came in was the huge bouquet of flowers/balloon my dad got his girlfriend for her bday. the last flower delivery i saw was the one mike sent, while still in scotland, on valentine's day : ( it was my first flower delivery from a guy ever, my first real valentine ever. i already posted the flower links here and here (plus the pic of shane from that day-ridiculous!) but i figure not everyone saw it so here they are again. the most beautiful flowers EVER.
I am never ever entering into a 'relationship' ever again. it took me five years and fifteen days to get over my only serious high school relationship. and some may argue that i never really got over that.
i will not cry though. i haven't heard from mike in over three days. that may not seem like a lot. but it's longer than any of the other times we 'broke up'. and somehow this last time seemed very permanent. he was very cold. and made me mad. geniuinely mad at him. for the first time ever. after the way things worked out when i was there, i was so sure it would not happen like this, that somehow it would work out and we'd be ok. after all, he promised it would. and he never promised anything else. but maybe this week will show me something. a glimpse of a brighter day? at least a sunset. i need something concrete, something to convince me that it is over so i can stop looking back. that is the hardest part - remembering. remembering when i would start feeling safe. and special... well i hope this week gives me a taste of tomorrow. mmm.... something to get me excited about the future.
something other than my doctor's appointment on tuesday. i have to get another ultra sound appointment. i called the gyn when i got back from scotland, letting her know everything was working out ok and i thought my problems had corrected themselves. she gave me her analysis of my first ultrasound and told me i had an 'inefficient' system. hopefully. hopefully because that could mean it wasn't anything cancerous. i still can't understand why this is taking so long to figure out anyways. but friday something weird was happening again, and it was pretty painful. so i will definitely be getting another examination. wish me luck!
tonight terie, jose, jordan and i went to olive garden. we had good food (and drinks) and then we had cookies at diddy reese. westwood was nice and dead cuz its' spring break at ucla. i was kind of relieved. did i mention terie has a blog? "it's sad really"
peter was dealing w/ drama from kscr. their webmaster took the site hostage. completely out of control!
i'm supposedly 'more of a nerd' than m, but he is definitely doing his share of whining. : )
i made my intentions known to the latest object of my affections (the guy i want to make out with) and he is turning out to be a HUGE frustration. he better just put out and make this simple before i start LIKING him or something. i mean he's a great guy, entertaining, and very hot. AND he's taller than me. he needs to turn me off asap. or i will just have to pretend he isn't alive, to make it easier on my libido. but being hot, i figure he is the best guy to be my 'first after-break-up kiss' so i can move on to 'just ok' guys... i just need to get it through my head that i am single so i can stop expecting mike to come running back to me i guess. : ( that is kinda sad. argh.
oh and the safety chair has been retired from 250 and now resides on the ledge of another room. it has been replaced by a fitter, happier, more productive chair. that is all.
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 11:40 PM [+] ::
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my dad is weak.
he said we were doing this and that today. so make sure i get up early blahblahblah.
so i dragged my arse out of bed before 1pm, only to find he went to a picnic w/ his girlfriend. and they are having crappy fish tonight for dinner and not ham. and he just wants me to come so i can move his suitcases to the car for his trip (he has a bad back). he knows i love ham. this is MY holiday. i HATE turkey, so screw thanksgiving. but christmas and easter ham! and it's persian new years picnic day too, about 13 days after new years. why does he think he's chinese? this is so weird. SHANE is asian and HE gets ham! argh... so i'm gonna go adopt some ragtag crew members and take them to eat some easter grub. somewhere. even if it means i'm driving.
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 4:46 PM [+] ::
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i am very moody. this is a problem.
sometimes.
but today is nice, and i am going to calmart on my rollerblades - to get me some goodies. : )
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 3:07 PM [+] ::
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just got back from derek's apartment. i would like to add that many of my friends live in the same building as i, and on the same FLOOR for that matter. i know of maybe five apartments of people on the floors above, but 2nd floor troy is where it's at! anyways, i was about to get ready for bed when i saw a message from him on my machine. he was making PIZZA! when derek makes pizza, it's a really special occassion, cuz he makes the best pizza i've ever had homemade. mmmm w/ whole wheaty dough and soo cheesey. i was hoping for some gaming action, but there was a movie on (for m, passed out on the chair w/ his guitar).
s.s. was there. dreeeamy s.s. and guess what.
I'M OVER HIM.
completely.
he entered the room, i glanced up, expecting to see that halo that made my chest quiver...
it was amazing, i saw nothing. no special light shining from around his golden locks. just him, stoned, and normal. my adonis had lost his luster, and i was annoyed at the loss of a feeling that once caused me such frustration.
i think maybe now, knowing that even a man who truly loves me can also find me to be unbearable, romance and reality have been completely severed in my view. i no longer walk among the gods. not only has he taken away my hopes of a pure, open love that would heal my heart and mind, but he has tarnished the very window through which i view my daydreams. i can trust myself least of all, knowing that my heart is so easily fooled into viewing harsh realities through the eyes of blurred daydreams.
(^s.s. was a previous #1 crush from last year, a relationship which came to its full term by spring. it soured, along w/ my various failed attempts to find romance, yet the boy had kept his ability to keep my hanging on his every word, his every movement. i thought i would always have that ideal to fall back on, as a motivation to begin a new quest for undying love - he was my brad pitt, my heidi klum... if that doesn't explain the CHEESE i dont know what else will!^)
big red dave is having a bday party in los feliz next friday. it will be well worth the trip, i am sure. anyhow, i found a few more people to go to coachella with. so that means i MUST go. : ) and they will be in europe this summer, most likely when i go. that will be great fun!
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 3:52 AM [+] ::
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wow, i think i know what i need right now. but then i think about how things would be if i had that, and maybe that need is just another want. a want that feels so necessary it is confused. that's a scary thought - that we can so easily confuse want and need. because often, we need to have what we want. or we feel as if this is true. but what happens when we get what we 'need' and we are still 'needing' more? does that mean it was merely a want? or maybe we never realized that we had found what we were looking for, as accustomed to looking as we are.
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 1:28 AM [+] ::
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tonight was lonely. and it wasn't because no one was around. people were here. i just felt lonely. i tried to go out and hang. but i still felt lonely, and feeling it around people was frustrating. so i came back home, hoping to sleep my way out of it. but i left my window open all day, and my room is cold and dark.
my bed, the most comforting thought, is less appealing than sitting at my desk, in front of the glowing computer.
alone.
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 1:19 AM [+] ::
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