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:: Saturday, April 20, 2002 ::
'kinda i want to'
i have here a check for $23.25. whatever will i spend it on?
last night - whoa.
the concert was great. i saw a lot of old friends who graduated or i just haven't seen for a while. i now have more friends to go to coachella with (and no i didn't get the free ticket).
mellowdrone (solo) opened, the dude was cool. he sang and played some chill music, nice background music to just lay down and zone out.
then came jonah's oneline drawing. eh i wasn't so into them, the guy's voice was too girly. or maybe it was cuz i was wanting the main act to come on and it was taking forever.
finally remy zero comes. we were all sitting on the carpet. one of my friends got an audio recording. the lead singer, his voice was a cross between neil diamond, bono, and thom york (i may be crazy...). he was like a muse, i could just listen to his voice all night. the set was mostly accoustic, and i was really into it up until he played that smallville song (save me?). then he had us all get up off the floor, and i lost my groove. i was really enjoying the way it was but eh. maybe it was the change of songs or cuz i moved back. they did have a neat stage settup. oriental rug, candle-iers and ikea stools that hose-b put together. hehe i guess they didnt' use them though. they had the lights lowered, it was kinda like MTV unplugged, only better. hehe. the point is they were a LOT better than i thought they would be, so i am glad i went.
afterwards i had to avoid flea-matt. he was waiting for me w/ k (i was also getting annoyed by her oblivious comments) and so i put myself to work, putting ground zero back together. i need physical exertion, it makes me feel alive.
went w/ shane to find parties. we found a eurotrash party on 30th. so i ended up w/ this red cup of bacardi and honey. no mixer. eh. flea-matt was there w/ k and we eventually left them after k blamed me for excluding her from the housing thing. honestly, she said she was out and i was too worried about getting any at all to be following her around like i'm her mother. getting people organized is hard w/ my friends. shane and shant and i went up to crash a private party cuz we're bitches like that. our friends were sooo wasted. but they took a bunch of this apartments alcohol up so we had no choice! my friend m made me REALLY upset cuz he was treating me like an annoyance, i am really sensitive to that kinda stuff. i hate being sensitive. then my other friend promised me a ham. but i am soo hungry and i am still waiting. maybe we are leaving soon to eat cuz i have a lot of shite to do. and i woke up w/ a little bit of dizziness. no official hangover-edness.
i am a slow learner in affairs of the heart, kinda masochistic and kinda idealistic and optimistic and critical and all together a bad mix. that is why i stop eating sometimes, when you dont eat much you get kinda emotionally drained and start thinking level-headedly. the only thing i've really eaten since tuesday was that reuben. before tuesday? i lost track. maybe i'll finish the other half of it when my tummy starts growling again...
i dont know what to make of it all. but the weather is great today, and i have people callin me to do stuff. that's a plus.
i had this dream and it ended w/ a bunch of my friends sitting on the couch, daring each other to pee in a glass. so we all kinda got off the couch and squatted right in front of it and did our thing. THEN somebody goes PLOOP. like a little PLOOP/BLING sort of sound. HE DROPPED OFF THE KIDS! IN MY GLASS!!! i started arguing w/ him, we all backed up and we wre kinda like 'awww the bling wasn't necessary jordan!' hehe. THE BLIING? what was i thinking...
my friend from work (she is 28, married, and still looking for a new man) is shopping at adam and eve online and threatening to get me chocolate body paint. should i argue? i could wear it like warpaint and go into the night prepared for the battle! mwahahha. she wants me to come see her new dog tomorrow, should i trust her? : )
it is 4/20. too bad my rebel days are over. all i have to do is walk down the hall and i'm partaking in the magic..... hmm....
shout out to a'ndrea!!!!
'maybe just for tonight'
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 2:06 PM [+] ::
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:: Friday, April 19, 2002 ::
i woke up at 7am to finish my paper. i still have to write a bibliography, even though i told the prof i had done it and just needed to send it. well i have the books, but i ran out of time!
i was in a big rush to get my paper printed at shane's (my computer is janky, still has no spellcheck) and on my way out my roommate started shit w/ me. she is a condescending bitch, a complete control freak. shane says she must just be doing poorly in class and wants to blame me. And she is a business major so I don’t see why she has SO MUCH HOMEWORK. i honestly stay out of my house as much as possible and do everything she asks me to and she still finds stuff to bitch about. she reported me to the RA for having a boy in our room - my good friend - without confronting me first or telling me that she didn't want boys in the room. shane has been in there before, etc, and she never said anything. so i couldn't go to the appointment w/ the RA as i have a life outside hers, and she freaked out and started calling me names today as she sat on the couch eating ice cream w/ a towel on her head. i think she's lost it. so she kept following me around the house calling me these names, and i couldn't satisfy her w/ an RA meeting cuz the RA was not at home. she was like 'yeah let's call RA so you can hear that you should stop being so inconsiderate, you have no common sense'.
so i called DPS. she was really scaring me. i am bigger and stronger than her for sure, but i dont like to fight, i just wanted her to live her life and ignore me, and i could ignore her. but she wanted this meeting so i did it. and she sat at the kitchen table watching me at my desk like the no-life bitch that she is. i finished some pretty stressful last minute writing today so i was ready to start cleaning and packing up a bit. i decided i would move out little by little to my dad's so when my family comes i will not have a lot to do besides taking them to disneyland. so i take this time where my computer is not working (i lost my connection again) to start tidying up my stuff. i am also nervous cuz the DPS is coming and i hate making a scene, i like to just avoid situations like that. I CLEAN when I get stressed, nervous, or need to procrastinate, I like it. but she was telling me that i was running away from it and all this so i just let her have her way, i hate fighting. but as much as i hate fighting, i also hate losing. so i was determined to 'win' this situation, i was NOT going to let her make me look like an 'inconsiderate' person w/ 'no common sense' and so on. 'childish'. i'm childish because i can ignore her when she is slamming doors and calling me names and threatening me. no i am just trying to live there in my apartment.
so just before they show up, she makes a comment to me, because she just CAN'T mind her own business. she says 'why are you cleaning? you don't want them to see mess?' w/ a smirk on her face. that dirty bitch. i said 'no but it's none of your business anyways, i am cleaning because instead of going to work i am sitting here waiting to talk to the DPS for you.'
she kept smiling - 'oh yeah sure. you should hide your alcohol, on the fridge so they dont' see that'
hello i'm 21. i don't care if they see it anyways, that is not the point. the point is the chick is crazy.
so she keeps pestering me about how stupid i am so i get fed up and go to my room and sit on teh bed w/ a book. of course i started crying because this is all stressing me out, and then the DPS show up. the one male officer stays out to talk to her, and the female comes to talk to me. she was really cool, and asked why i didn't talk to an RA and i said i was being harrassed because the RA wasn't home yet and i just wanted to get her to stop so i could do my thing in my apartment, and told her how yuki wanted me to call them.
after we tell our stories, the officers meet and they supposedly don't match (of course) and the female tells me that yuki is TWENTY EIGHT years old (no wonder she is so lame, shes' been in school for 23 years!). basically what it came down to is they told her she needed to let me live my life and that what she was saying (she was calling me names in front of them) may seem like good advice to her but it is HARASSMENT and she needed to stop.i am allowed to listen to music in the afternoon, as long as people can't hear outside my apartment to complain. and she can't stop me. i am allowed to have friends over, as long as it's before 10pm (i gave her that as a quiet time extension from the 11pm contract), and i said we would not allow boys in teh room. i mean we have THREE fucking weeks and she is making this big scene now. so i can have people come over and play nintendo (w/ the games and n64 I BOUGHT and MY tv that only she is allowed to watch) and bake cake and as long as the dps doesn't get complaints from outside she can't legally do anything to me. and i dont' care about her at all enough to avoid upsetting her. i mean i'm considerate, i'm quiet when i'm home, but she's gone far enough. She told them I have people over late, but after her NOTE saying not to have people over past midnight, I abided. I was also very quiet. And I am UP all night so it sucks for me. But she had a guy friend over once past midnight! Til past 2 am, when I was trying to sleep, as well as my other roommate, but we didn’t say ANYTHING. So I mentioned it then to see her tell them ‘but that was for homework’ so they could say ‘it is your rule, you have to follow it too.’
That’s the problem, she makes up rules. Only her. I don’t give a damn, I just do my thing and don’t worry about her. But she is all up in my grill!
oh and she told them a lie about shane having a key to our apartment. over vacation he came to pick stuff up from my desk and knocked on the door, checked to see if it was open, and waited outside for her to open it. she told the DPS that he had a key and she came to the door while he was trying to open it w/ the key. he had a key in his hand - his key, to his door. she is one paranoid chick. Well her rules backfired yo : )
ok that was a nice vent. : ) all i have left for the rest of the year is move out and then FINALS. all tests, no more papers : )
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 7:03 PM [+] ::
...
i finally tried to make myself eat today. earlier on i had a smoothie when i went out w/ a friend. then i kept lounging, THEN worked a little on my 10-12 page paper on apollo that is due tomorrow, 12noon. but not nearly enough, mostly just getting info together and developing an outline. i wanna take a nap now. my stomach has been hurting, i can't eat anything w/out getting ... sick... in one way or another... but tonight i had half a reuben and wet fries (and my chocolate coke mmm mm!) at mel's diner on sunset. and it made my tummy ache go away from earlier! but it gave me a new one. not NEARLY as unpleasant though, so it's all good.
who really cares about this. i am just rambling to keep from writing my paper, OBVIOUSLY. i totally need a nap before i start this paper. ok so it has to be done at noon, so i want to finish by eleven to put on some fancy pics and tidy it up etc.... so ten pages i should get up at six am... four hours? less.. hmm shit what was i thinking. here i go again. : )
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 2:13 AM [+] ::
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:: Thursday, April 18, 2002 ::
after working my ass of until february, with school AND a full time class load, i am really taking my 'break' seriously. i'm lounging hardcore. but i figured after all that work, i'd be getting some crazy income tax returns - they took 25% of my paycheck for heavens to betsy... hehe but my MOM is an idiot and didn't do the taxes right and they say i OWE $1400.... WTF.
i SHOULD have been getting that hope grant back the past four years for paying for education, like the rest of my friends. my SISTER is getting $2000 and she didn't even work full time!!!! so my mom called IRS and is setting up an AUDIT appointment, for the last five years of tax filing. she says they think she'll get like $4000 back and i should say at least a thousand is coming to me. i've worked for a few years now and none of it has come back my way. i dont get this whole system, i feel SCREWED. it makes me NOT want to work any legitimate job! maybe i should go back to hustlin'.
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 8:50 PM [+] ::
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i updated my PARTY PAGE!!!! check it out for upcoming parties in the area, as well as info regarding the FREE remy zero concert that is TOMORROW NIGHT!
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 8:41 PM [+] ::
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let's talk about enrique inglesias for a moment....
can anybody tell me what happened to the mole on his face?
i was watching his new music video (which was QUITE hot if you ask me) and it seemed like they only show the left side of his face. so maybe it is on the right side, and they are just pretending it is gone. but he turned his head enough that the sillouette should have been visible, yes-no? did i miss this in my latest edition of cosmetology weekly?
shiiiit.
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 8:14 PM [+] ::
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terie made cake for us. whatta man.
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 4:55 AM [+] ::
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hmm looks like i did something weird so my edit function and the link i put in my blog kinda melded.... and that can't be edited cuz that post has no edit function now... weird.....
it was supposed to say -
shane needs help.
he also needs a few dvds by the looks of it... and he is making a PERMANENT LINK out of his wishlist on his own blog!
there.
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 4:55 AM [+] ::
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shane needs help.
he also needs a few dvds by the looks of it.... he is making it a PERMANENT LINK on his own [+] ::
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:: Wednesday, April 17, 2002 ::
i hate my mom right now.
she always finds some way to take something i think is special and squash it into pieces.
and this is such a bad time for her to be doing this to me. i just can't handle it right now. i don't have much to look forward to, but i was really looking forward to alex coming. i love him so much, and i like having him here to take care of and show him that i want him to be happy. he is part of the reason i even want to be successful at anything, to be in a place that i can take care of him and let him know that not everyone is like my mom and that he can meet people who are good people and care about him too. he loves to be here, i usually have to change his flight home so he can stay longer. this was really something i wanted him to come to. even if he doesn't care much about my graduation now, he will when he realizes what it means, and he will feel bad. that's how kids are. i used to whine about stuff so i wouldn't have to do it, and now i see why i was supposed to be at places like weddings and so on. it's more the symbolic aspect, support i guess. the only reason i am havign my mom come to my graduation is for her. i dont want her here. i will have to bite my tongue for that whole week while she is off on her cloud hurting my feelings and pissing everyone off. just so she can go tell her friends that she went to my graduation and disneyland and LA. but alex coming made it all worth it, i miss him so much. and roxanna and eli. i took $800 of my own money, which i dont have much of anymore (actually i have $25 in my checking account now), just to pay for all these plane tickets, and now one is useless.
this is when i would call someone very special to me and he would ease my mind. but not anymore. nothing can ease my mind anymore. it is spinning out of control and i can only think of one way to stop it. i want to stop it now, i can't do this, i can't breathe and i can't see anymore. i want to throw up all of these bad feelings that are twisting my stomach into knots, but i don't know how.
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 5:40 PM [+] ::
...
i am feeling a little better today, off and on. i feel better knowing i have housing for summer AND fall now, both my own room. both less than $500/mos. i will be signing a lease tomorrow for a six bedroom that is being built on menlo, and that is one thing off my shoulders. shane and stephanie took me to lunch today. they always make me laugh. i hung out w/ dave for a bit, which was cozy. i used to hang out w/ him all the time, every day. he would make me dinner, pasta from The 3-2. hehe. ian wants to take me to see the LA Phil tomorrow, they are playing a piece by mozart. i need to find out which. music is a little too powerful for me now though. i may not want to go into public to watch a powerful piece. eines schoenes stueck or something. i need to take more german, i forget gender of nouns... and i forget which alt keys give me umlauts.
i hope i can make it to work tomorrow. i really need to start earning money. i feel myself creating a downward spiral, and i am fighting it but sometimes i forget why i fight. i feel myself thinking things that don't make sense, and i can't make sense of things that should. i feel my sense of identity slipping away, and i feel myself melting into the place i have been given.
i am not happy here.
and it is hard for me to see anything happy coming my way.
food is really gross. i have to eat it because it keeps me from sleeping too much. but some bread and fries feels like a four course meal, sitting like lead in my stomach.
food used to make me really happy.
i'm going tomorrow to make another appointment for an ultrasound. does cancer eat away at your soul? i feel like my soul is missing. or at least hiding.
i feel like i am only existing skin deep, like my body is rejecting my own mind, and doing what it wants without the rest of me. it is dragging me around trying to jump start my happiness. sometimes i feel it there. and i can smile. and i try. but it is such a conscious effort, it is exhausting. i spend all day trying to be normal, that i am not even sure what normal is anymore. what if i stop caring, and i just act the way i feel? will my world really disappear? will it just fall apart at the seams? and would that be bad? maybe my world is too fragile because it was never meant to be.
i am going to try to go to another class for now.
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 3:42 PM [+] ::
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i seem to have lost my archives. i honestly did NOT touch them, they just disappeared. hmm...
well i have them, but you don't.
i got another parking ticket - i can't keep track of anything anymore. not even my car. they should have given me THE BOOT, this is like unpaid # 7. it makes no sense that i haven't gotten one.
i couldn't go to work, for some reason i kept crying off and on, just altogether drained, and i didn't want to be around babies because stuff like that upsets them.
i felt really lost, didn't know what to do, didn't know where to start. so i sat on campus for an hour, on a bench. i guess i was staring at a tree, i'm not really sure. i read a little, and went back home. drank w/ peter. listened to music, sang. i had a little dinner tonight - and hot chocolate.and i played some clue. watched some television.
i like smallville, so shoot me.
i think my paper will be on apollo and different festivals and games honoring him, as well as the delphic oracle and any plays or poems involving him. this paper needs to be pretty long.
i do have a house for the summer, w/ ian, terie, jordan, and jake. my brother will be there at some point. i hope someone comes over w/ estrogen so i'm not drowned out. we'll just have to bake cookies more often. at least i'll have video game opponents. i am having a lot of trouble looking forward to anything though, even that. i dont have as much of a desire to look to the future, and i'm scared to look to the past.
i remember sitting in the car, after making my dad upset about something. i used to get really stubborn and push him to the edge and he would blow up and say pretty terrible things. one specific incident involved getting new shoes. none of them fit, i am picky about my feet and he wanted to get me shoes that were too small. on the way home i tried to hide under my blanky (the same one that is on my bed right now) and i was sucking my thumb. no one could see me cry, no one could touch me under my blanky. he kept yelling but i didn't hear him anymore. i had the future to think about under that blanky. i imagined when we got home how i could go outside by myself, sit in my room, feel safe by myself. i imagined being older, the house i would have and the soft blankets on my bed and my chauffeur to drive me (i never imagined driving as a kid, it seemed really tricky). but i saw so much, and that is what got me through the car ride, under my blanky. i think that is the only thing that got me through. sometimes i just wanted to open the door and roll out. anything to get away from feeling yucky, anything. i hated feeling small. i never knew what was going to happen, who i was going to upset, when the anger would end, where it would lead...
it took me years to even grow out of that a little. i never talked in class, i always tried to be as 'good' as possible. i usually had a 4.0 and took everything very very seriously. i hated letting anyone down. i still do. but it became easier to just walk away, pretend to have my blanky over my head - no one can bother me.
the blanky isn't working though. i have to hold it to fall asleep, but it doesn't do what it once did.
i need a hug. but i dont want anyone to touch me. what happens if someone touches me and i realize i am awake. i dont want to be awake, not yet.
this isn't really happening.
needing a hug but not wanting to be touched is painful. it's like that itch you can't reach, only put the itch in the pit of your stomach and magnify it w/ your megabass speakers. and then turn it inside out. it is reaching out from the middle of nowhere. it is pulling something in my chest, around in circles. dragging it across my precious organs. sometimes when i am staring i have to remind myself to breathe, because the pain becomes worse otherwise.
i can't be fooled anymore. i know what i want, and i can't fill myself w/ appetizers and salads. i can't even hope for them to be desirable anymore. and this is sad because i am just an appetizer myself, so why should i blame anyone but me.
according to rachel, my astrology chart is f*cked but i will not have financial problems. at least i'll be a STINKING RICH, bitter, lonely old woman. who told saturn he could come into my 10th house, or sit upon my venus? 'not i' said the fly.
my friend put up some pictures we took while i was in scotland. i think the only one i personally took is the one that makes no sense, where dom and mike are standing together. keep checking that site cuz he said he'd put them all up eventually, and those are the only pics i have from my trip.
i am glad i have friends.
but i am becoming a bad friend myself.
i dont want to do anything anymore, plan anything, move around too much.
i am kinda disgusted with myself.
saturn has me reaping what i've sown.
and it is not pretty.
when i was a child a few people made me very very unhappy. and sometimes i take it out on others, in ways that i dont even realize.
i just hope other people can be more patient with me than i am with myself.
let's see if i have another dream tonight....
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 2:21 AM [+] ::
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:: Tuesday, April 16, 2002 ::
ok here's my last oldie for today....
through the mirror of my mind, time after time
i see reflections of you and me
reflections of the way life used to be
reflections of the love you took from me
i'm all alone now, no love to shield me
trapped in a world that's a distorted reality
happiness you took from me and left me alone with only memories
through the mirror of my mind, through these tears that i'm crying
reflects a hurt i can't control
'cause although you're gone, i keep holding on
to the happy times when you were mine
as i peer through the window of lost time
looking over my yesterdays and all the love i gave all in vain
all the love that i've wasted
all the tears that i've tasted
all in vain
through the hollow of my tears i see a dream that's lost
from the hurt that you have caused
everywhere i turn seems like everything i see
Reflects the love that used to be
in you i put all my faith and trust
right before my eyes my world has turned to dust
after all the nights i sat alone and wept
just a handful of promisses are all that's left of loving you
reflections of the way life used to be
reflections of the love you took from me
reflections - diana ross and the supremes
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 6:54 PM [+] ::
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say, say, say what you want
but don't play games with my affection
take, take, take what you need
but don't leave me with no direction
all alone i sit home by the phone
waiting for you baby
through the years how can you stand to hear
my pleading for you dear?
you know I'm crying
now go, go, go where you want
but don't leave me here forever.
you, you, you stay away
so long girl I see you never
what can I do girl, to get through to you?
'cause I love you baby.
standing here baptised in all my tears,
baby through the years,
you know I'm crying
you never ever worry
and you never shed a tear.
you're saying that my love ain't real
just look at my face,
these tears ain't drying.
you, you, you can never ever say
that I'm not the one who really loves you.
i pray, pray, pray every day
that you'll see things, girl, like i do.
what can i do girl, to get through to you?
'cause I love you baby.
standing here baptised in all my tears,
baby through the years,
you know I'm crying
say, say, say - paul mccartney/michael jackson
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 6:28 PM [+] ::
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i never, never had a dream come true.
in my every dream, i'm loved by you
and we're free as the wind and true love is no sin
therefore, men are men, not machines
i never, never had a dream come true.
without you
the world out there is painted shades of blue
since our roads never crossed,
i work just to please the boss
think I might as well get lost in my dreams
i never, never had a dream come true
yes I'm gonna dream about you baby
my whole life through
seems my folks are ashamed,
said i ain't worth a thing
but i'm glad i'm chained to my dreams
keep on dreaming
sing along with me
keep on dreaming
never had a dream come true - stevie wonder
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 6:16 PM [+] ::
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i've been alone with you inside my mind
and in my dreams i've kissed your lips a thousand times.
i sometimes see you pass outside my door.
hello... is it me you're looking for?
i can see it in your eyes, i can see it in your smile.
you're all i've ever wanted and my arms are open wide.
'cause you know just what to say
and you know just what to do
and i want to tell you so much
i love you
i long to see the sunlight in your hair,
and tell you time and time again how much i care
sometimes i feel my heart will overflow.
hello... I've just got to let you know
'cause i wonder where you are
and i wonder what you do.
are you somewhere feeling lonely
or is someone loving you?
tell me how to win your heart
for i haven't got a clue - but let me start by saying
i love you
hello - lionel richie and the commodores
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 5:53 PM [+] ::
...
i give up.
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 1:16 PM [+] ::
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:: Monday, April 15, 2002 ::
i am really not sure what is going on w/ me lately. i keep fading off in a daze, not knowing how i got where i am, like the time between here and there is kinda unimportant. today i came almost the whole way home from class without realizing i was even walking, until i ran into my neigbor at the crosswalk. he was talking, i was just kinda there, nodding, for a while not paying attention. suddenly i realized i was out of it. so i made an attempt to communicate. but it felt very forced, not at all normal. my professor would put a song on for us to hear in class and all of the sudden i would see him talking and then i'd realize the song was over and i hadn't heard much of it.
last night was scariest. i was driving home on the freeway, and listening to a go-gos song, head over heels. very fast and pop-y. somehow i started speeding and weaving in and out of lanes. i didn't care how fast i was going or what exit i was looking for, i just started going off somewhere else. like i wanted to drive away from myself, and my thoughts, and i was succeeding. the song was eventually over or something, maybe it was still on, i'm not sure. and i found myself kind of floating. like my car was moving but i had nothign to do with it. i could hear sound but they were far away, and had nothing to do w/ me. kinda like being in the alley outside a club or concert, hearing all the excitement that just sounds more like noise. it was a heavy feeling, but i felt light. i imagined myself letting go of the wheel and letting my car do what it wanted. just cruising off into the wall of the 10 where it meets the 5, it wasn't me, it was just a car, just a body. i let go of any connection i had to this planet and just wanted to see what would happen next, see if it was any better.
even just typing this i have no idea what i wrote and reading back i dont remember any of it coming from my head to the keys. like my consciousness is being left out of all workings of this body from now on. maybe i'll get used to it. i will just sit here like i have been doing all week, until someone calls, someone comes in and disrupts my spell. i got a lot of work done last night but that was only when i'd accidently overdone the caffeine thing and i felt my heart raging out of control, my arms shaking, and all i could do to comfort myself was to start reading chapter after chapter of my course books.
i need to snap out of it, take myself out of this house like i've been doing to stay sane. but what if i start doing this in front of people and they get worried. what if this becomes normal, and i forget who i am? what if all these questions just stop mattering to me?
i sit at my desk. piles of work to be done. and i just stare at it, wishing i could get up and walk away, go back to a time when i felt needed and special.
there is a bird on my balcony, staring at me.
the sun is setting on the apartment building across the way.
i have been typing for 30 min but not saying much of anything, because i dont want to talk about anything really important, i want to forget things that have been said and things that have been done. but i am very sentimental.
i have 17 saved messages on my answering machine, since sophomore year. i listen to them often, all through. and i miss everyone i hear. all accept the one of the guy that i accidently kissed who kept trying to date me. that is there to remind myself to stop accidently kissing guys. and if you know who i am talking about, you will laugh knowing that i still have that message.
i save EVERYTHING anyone has ever given me. someday i will just sit in my room, surrounded by pictures and notes, and just look through them until i can no longer see. my memories are much more beautiful than real life, they are selected and filtered through. only a few are so pure that i still wish them to be. most i have accepted as memories.
no more typing.
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 6:30 PM [+] ::
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:: Sunday, April 14, 2002 ::
ANOTHER PAIR OF SOCKS WITH HOLES IN THEM!!!!!!
that's it, i'm going shopping... less socks = smaller laundry cycle = more time spent at my dad's.
i need socks, and underwear. but every time i go to buy some i come home w/ two shirts. can anybody tell me what i am doing wrong????!!!!!!!!
at least the mucky muck that got on my shoes yesterday when i was tromping around in nature has kinda dried up and fallen away. yeehaw.
: )
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 12:35 PM [+] ::
...
i can't really sleep. i know i should, i am tired. but something is making me so uneasy. i'm thinking and thinking about something and it is making me shivery and jittery. i am afraid to get in my bed, afraid i will lie there all night thinking and thinking about something and rewinding and remembering and hoping that i will not wake up tomorrow just in case tomorrow starts out worse than today did. but nothing could feel worse than that, so all should be better in theory, relatively.... i had such a good day though, so peaceful and warm and i dont know why that couldn't erase the terror i felt this morning. my chest was aching, i couldn't breathe, i felt every inch of my body burning and aching. like i'm standing on the top of a mountain and trying to scream and nothing is coming out. i am alone, and i am helpless. and none of this matters because i somehow have to wake up tomorrow and be me all over again. sometimes i dont know how i make it through the whole day. just being me over and over and over until i get home to regret how 'me' is just not good enough. something that should have made me so happy and at peace turned into something that was making me unable to speak and unable to move. i am turning to stone slowly from the inside out, every day, and sleep comes only once my entire heart and soul is contained in marble and plaster. and tomorrow i wake up, wishing this had all been a dream, thinking the new day is real and the old is not. and i go through the motions one more time, fighting off the emptiness, filling it with hopes and dreams. until the night comes and i fall apart all over again. how do i stop this? when does it end? when will i wake up and realize i am still stone, that the lights are playing tricks on my eyes and i was never dreaming any of this. it is all real and i am still frozen.... and what happens when i wake up to find myself trapped in this underwater cave, without a sign of any opening or light. confined to my own emotional darkness with my eyes closed to all but what is clawing to escape my broken heart. kicking and splashing, the air becomes heavy and my thoughts become streams of water, entering my nostrils. the tide is rising and my icy cave is closing in. and i wait, unable to move, afraid to scream and swollow more water. in a final attempt to hold onto pride, i will hold my breath, and slowly relax to accept the fate that i had so fiercely denied. i drift down towards the sandy bottom, the soft green plants wrapping around my ankles. the algae grasps my wrist and i can feel the water passing by quickly. the water becomes warmer, the sharp icy pangs dulled by the rays of sunshine streaming through the water. i open my eyes. i see the face, the eyes warm and pure, open wide and affectionately staring into mine. her curiousity startles me, and i see her intentions. and they give me hope. i begin to kick. we are in the open, the air above the water fills my lungs and my life is restored. i look for my mermaid, and she is nowhere to be found. instead i find a lonely dolphin, unaware of his beauty, unaware of the appreciation and gratitude for swimming me to safety. aware only of his own plight to survive, unsure what had driven him to bring me to surface. he stares blankly in my eyes, and shows no affection. only confusion and fear, until those eyes closed and the dolphin dove back into the deep green waters of the ocean. yet it was my confusion that led me to believe i was in the arms of a mermaid. i did not see as he was, but i saw the personifications of his own good intentions, as unscripted and raw as they had been. to me there is no difference, i can see one and know another. after all, mermaid only exist in fairytales, and this is real life. so now i am back on the warm sand, staring at the sky, counting the clouds as they pass directly overhead. i am still afraid, afraid to move, afraid to realize it was also a dream, afraid to realize the dolphin was perhaps a sea serpent, afraid to look back to the water by chance i'll catch the eyes of the mermaid watching over me. the eyes that had given me hope. for i am still confused - is it wrong to feel the hope instilled through the eyes of a mermaid when the eyes were not for the mermaid to give? the dolphin so unwilling to share his eyes with that of a shipwrecked girl in a dark cavernous grave. on this note i go to bed, realizing this conversation w/ myself has gone round full circle.
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 3:10 AM [+] ::
...
ok back to my flashback of the day (saturday technically)...
after that phone call this morning i felt pretty drained. i was torn between feeling the relief and excitement of being in contact w/ someone i care about and hearing their voice and remembering our last meeting - and thinking about what unpleasantry had been said since then. i guess now it's all in limbo, like the song. "you're living in a fantasy world, this beautiful world." yep that's me. but i was kinda numb emotionally, afraid to feel anything else or think about what had just happened. somehow i still had a little ball of hope left in my stomach. and the weather was really nice. so i returned some calls i had been getting on the other line - as well as my other phone - and ended up taking ian and shane to a party in the malibu hills. it was a bbq at james' parents' place - aka camp cumberland at criss-cross creek (i'm into silly names so it will stick). the party had a great vibe, everyone was basically acquainted in one way or another. the property was really nice. there was a garden, a tennis court, pingpong table, pool (wasn't heated for today - next time!), lawn chairs and a hammock, and a wonderful CLIMBING tree. i love climbing trees, and this one had a great view. all the while good music was playing. boards of canada, radiohead, dismemberment plan. we had some good burgers (the beerbattered one was recommended, but i stuck to the all-the-seasonings-mixed-up-burger). so good food, good music, good people, dr pepper. mmm what a day, sitting in the grass talking w/ friends. i spent more time on the phone than i'd wanted to cuz this guy renting a house called. i'd given him 8 applications about two weeks ago, and now he wants us all to come tomorrow to meet him. and he sounds ready to fill out some papers. kinda scary but we really need to get this stuff settled so it may work. he has an 8 bedroom (all singles) for $470-570 person, i think it was. a much better deal than the 6 room new house, but not so new and luxurious (that new one had laundry that wasn't coint operated and had all the jacks for my technological needs!!!). but this 8 room is going to be ready by june, maybe may. and we need a house soon. and it's on my favorite street, right next to all the parties! haha well you know what i mean... i still have to call one owner back tomorrow to check on the status of his houses but this is looking most probable. and i'm really tired of looking. i just want a room, somewhere to put my new desk and gigantic bed that i will be buying this summer (mwahahah) and my computer and stereo and all my purple stuffed bears from sarah and my persian rug (that my dad is bringing me back from iran next month for graduation!). this is gonna be MY room, moreso even than my little bachelor apartment last summer, where the guy left me all his furniture. and all MY friends will be there. and friends of friends. i'll finally have people to bake for. i hate baking myself cuz then i eat it all up mmmm.
back to the bbq. so we went for a walk around james' neighborhood. this is some gated off swanky community. people are riding horses up and down the street. we had to cross a real creek on these strange cement blocks that seemed more like gigantic stone slabs from an indiana jones flick (we honestly heard the music and the snapping of crocodile jaws as we rumbled across!). tom hanks, dick van dyke, and mel gibson live in his neighborhood! we didn't see any of them unfortunately. we did see three abandoned razor scooters and ian said it was a sign that the three of us should steal them but shane was our conscience in that matter. : ) thanks shane.
dan baz is still not smoking. two weeks as of tomorrow (well technically today, sunday).
we ended up leaving around 9pm cuz i have the WORST CRAMPS on the planet. well i only have the worst ones every other month, the ones that make me truly unbearable to be around. at least i feel that way. i want to snap the heads off all the daisies. but i am way too disoriented to do it. i lost my cell phone, it was in my pocket. i just couldn't keep my mind focused on anything but the pain long enough to figure it out, it was all kinda cloudy. like a consistent frustrating moment, that drags on and on. and i think very ugly thoughts when i am cramping, very short abrasive responses come to mind.
"hey megan, hear of anything going on tonight?"
"no why the fuck are you asking me you lazy bitch, of course i dont know of anything fun, ia m gonna sit at home in pain, while you are off w/ your other friends having getting crazy. go find your own party, stop bothering me w/ your annoying whiney voice anyways! you never talk to me unless you want something you ungrateful son of a....."
ok that's what i am thinking. but this is what really happens....
"hey megan, hear of anything going on tonight?"
"huh?.....oh.... um.... no? i'll let you know...?"
yeah i am in too much pain to even bitch at anyone. sad.
but today was all in all a nice day.
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 1:39 AM [+] ::
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