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:: Friday, May 24, 2002 ::
ok so wednesday i was supposed to go to magic mtn w/ my friend from work and her guy, but i felt like i was the third wheel (which doesn't sound so bad if you are on a tricycle). so i slept in an extra hour and then ran some errands (and used my discount certificate at the usc book store for sweatshirts and mugs) and got me some lunch at commons. scott b. and pals were there and said hi, talked to shane's old roommate derek c., and i saw this guy i used to have a crush on but now i am completely over (but still WANT to be friends with) and i decided to try to go to work. but they had already assumed i was not coming, and turned in the time sheets the day before. so i hung out for a bit and then went to ralphs, where i got me some wine coolers (8 for $5!), and a bunch of chips and salsa stuffs.
i talked to gabe on the phone, which was nice cuz i haven't really seen him since grad night, and then went to troy. but i didn't have a reason to go in cuz everyone was off doin their thing. so i sat in the car listening to music and drinking wine coolers. then i used the bathroom at derek's, and hung out w/ his roommate until he had to leave for a job interview. that guy has been in LA for one week and already had a job setting up w/ patina catering at the andy warhol exhibit!!! his interview was at the hollywood bowl as an usher but he didnt' think he was interested when he came back.
i went back to my car meanwhile, and fell asleep listening to music, for like 2.5 hours. in my car. on royal street. i must have been really tired, or really drunk. i woke up to the sound of danbaz's voice, yelling up to derek's balcony. so they were both there, and we waited upstairs for dave a. and janet to come to in-n-out with us. i even got a chocolate milkshake this time. my therapist called me while i was there and talked to me for a while, and gave me some interesting advice. i really dont know where i want to go with this, and i am kinda scared about where it may take me. usually i wait for a breakdown, see one to get drugs, and after the drugs pick me back up i stop taking them and i'm fine for another year or so. and i think about my problems a lot, but i never really open up to one specific person and tell them everything. maybe saying these things out loud will make me feel better or less lonely. or maybe it won't help at all. but something in my life has got to change.
back at dereks we played scrabble and we had wendy and dan r. and shant and scott p. come over also. i was on dan r.'s team and we lost, but it was my first time so it was pretty fun! shant was asking some probing questions about my life and we talked some and it was nifty. he really got me thinking about the past and the future and so on. we watched this heidi fleiss documentary that was disturbing yet intriguing, and i found it interesting that they kept naming places that i was familiar with (in los angeles).
i went back home and went to sleep not too late. thursday i got up and went to work, but i left an hour later than usual, thinking i would not hit traffic, but it was WORSE traffic. argh. so i will work back at my usual schedule from now on, 10-6. at lunch i headed towards campus for sushi, and i ran into shane r. he was interviewing for a campus job. we haven't seen each other for quite some time so we had lunch together and chatted some. then i had to get back to work, and then work happened.
after work i went to danbaz's place downtown and we had coffee and talked and planned and called people. then we went to scott p.'s where i met this guy, let's call him S. scott gave us some echinacea and we pretended to be reall high. then we headed over to the party on magnolia and adams, and it turned out to be quite the gathering. they even had a keg. i thought it was just a get together! at one point, wendy and i explained to S how we don't like to be hit on, especially when we're partying. he seemed to understand. later on, he was trying to hold my hand and offering to get us some coke. so i don't think he understood. i think he got the hint eventually.
at some point, i passed out. probably at like 3am, or later. cuz at 4 i had a rude awakening - this chick was vomiting not to far away from my chair. whoa.
so dan and i went back to his apartment downtown and i slept on the couch. but it's a studio so we stayed up talking about the interesting events of the night. very fun night but it got kinda out of control. at one point a bunch of us were sitting around, passing around the guitar and singing. loudly. the manager of the apartments was at the party, beer in hand. someone had brought a translucent chess set. abe and i were speaking in farsi to each other. james had just gotten back from vegas, and he said he had a lot to drink cuz it was all free, and at one point he was walking around really drunk, blacked out, woke up while still walking, and still drunk, and covered in vomit. very weird. i met some interesting people.
danbaz is a heartbreaker. 'nuf said. : )
today at work this student observer bought us pizza for her last day, and ada bought me a banana royale from baskin robbins. i had them put scoops of chocolate and cherries jubillee in mine, w/ chocolate syrup! mmm... tonight i go to sushi w/ derek and someone else i guess (maybe scott b), and who knows what else. definitely something will be 'up' cuz it's his last night in town before his european trip.
i got a few party invites for this weekend, but the strangest is the one from the guy i ran into at kids in the hall. he is having a bbq on saturday, and i was somehow on the party list. should i go? hmm....
i also got an email from back home about the current saturn-pluto opposition. and it really hit too close to home. i mean the dates were right on, and it kinda tripped me out. i will read it a few more times and then blog about it later. but two dates specifically related directly to an issue in my life and i was kinda shocked. either way, from what it says, june 10 should be the start of brighter days for me. and hopefully i can believe in that, whether it is true or not. and change my own destiny for the better. another weird thing was saying that a journal could be really handy right now.
it is.
a lot of things scare me right now. i feel like i am getting really close to figuring out what i want and what would make me happy in life. but at the same time i feel like there is so much in me that is resistant to change, and i am dragging this part of me, kicking and screaming. what does this all mean? does this sudden self-realization mean i am getting close to inner peace? or close to knowing that i am not capable of achieving inner peace? or am i just close to death? i mean life is a cycle. what if i am just near the end of this cycle? i hope not, there is so much more i hope to see and feel and accomplish and i'm getting to the point where life is kinda exciting and positive. argh.
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 7:52 PM [+] ::
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:: Thursday, May 23, 2002 ::
i will blog about today tomorrow. i promise : ) mwahahah. or maybe the day after. but it will be worth it.
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 2:30 AM [+] ::
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:: Wednesday, May 22, 2002 ::
today i made a lot of calls and got myself some appointments. i am also looking for a 2nd job. and i wasn't feeling so well so i went rollerblading to get myself pepped up.
my dad is still mad at me.
after being home all day with no food but nuts and berries and some water, i went to pick up danbaz and took him to dinner at cafe 50s. he had never been there and it was two-for-tuesday (two sandwiches for the price of one). i also got a chocolate malt and we played battleship! then we stopped by the nuart to pick up big red and we also got some rentals at cinefile.
back at dan's i played gta3 while he napped, until dan r. came over and played some tekken tag w/ me. i am usually jun and i was getting to like the chick w/ the mask that i can not pronounce her name. : ) then danbaz woke up and big red came by w/ his pal from chicago. that guy pronounces 'taco bell' really funny, where the 'a' sound is like the 'a' in 'cat'. none of my other friends from the area have that kind of accent really.
we watched fever, the movie written and directed by alex winters (bill from bill and ted). it wasn't too bad, a psychological thriller, but i wasn't too into it. maybe i wasn't in the mood for it but i didn't feel like it was too well done. some parts were neat though. but after it's over you are left staring blankly going... uh....? what just happened?
tomorrow evening i get to hear danbaz and andy and all them make some music on monmouth, and thursday is wendy's party. friday is rob's party and saturday is lunch to say goodbye to derek and big red, and then maybe the desert party.
tomorrow i have to pick some stuff up on campus and call alex's dad.
my head is spinning. goodnight.
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 2:37 AM [+] ::
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:: Tuesday, May 21, 2002 ::
after work today i went to el cholo w/ derek and dan r. and his roommates. they were all cool, and we had good food. then this residential street area would not let us escape and we kept running into dead ends like the twilight zone - right in the middle of k-town too!
later a bunch of us went to see episode 2 again at the grove. this time it was a digital projection, and we had center of center row, beautiful seats. the cgi was a lot smoother on digital, and danbaz pointed out that the backgrounds even looked smoother. i still love this movie. i mean it has it's holes blahblahblah. but it's a fun movie, and it's star wars. .... so : P
i should get to sleep soon. my tummy hurts. argh.
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 3:04 AM [+] ::
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:: Monday, May 20, 2002 ::
i kidnapped derek's roommate and took him to meet a friend at the long beach gay pride festival. unfortunately we got there too late to make buying tickets worthwhile (we missed pat benatar and most of taylor dane haha) and they wouldn't let us in for free even for the last hour. so we just checked out the scene then went to 'yard house', this restaurant/bar on the pier. it was a really nice evening for a walk and then dinner outside the restaurant, and we all had ice cream to end the night. next year i will have to plan ahead and find out when the whole thing starts so i can actually go in.
or as one good friends calls it, to 'get our gay on'.
suuuure.
anyhow derek's roommate is nice and i am glad i met someone new. i also met ed again tonight, at dan r's. ed makes some really good electronic music, and he's a nice guy. a bunch of us just chilled and had some good conversation and hopefully we are gonna watch the digital projection of episode 2 tomorrow night. : )
the following may make male readers uncomfortable as it regards to female reproductive irregularities -
i am experiencing a lot of physical discomfort right now. i hope this goes away soon. wednesday at work i had such a bad tummy ache at one point i kinda keeled over and didn't know if i could stand anymore. this is really not good, and i am afraid to keep taking ibuprofen in case i get a dependency or (god forbid!) a TOLERANCE to it. i mean i already need to take three aleve at a time!!!
i feel kinda better actually knowing there is something physically wrong w/ me and that i am not just imagining this thing. not that i like having it at all, but before i thought i was just a tummy ache that i was hypochondriacizing (that is a word now thank you very much). but not it also kinda worries me more when i feel it becoming aggrevated. i read that if these things burst they may need emergency surgery. and my friend knows a girl who had a polycystic sort of problem and she stopped taking the hormones after the symptoms seemed to subside cuz the treatment made her feel icky. but then soon after the symptoms returned. and she also had to get checked more than once to find them, even with so many!! so if you are girl and you are reading this and maybe have irregular cycles or pains, YOU should get an ultra sound. and make sure to schedule it for right after your period cuz there is less 'fluid' inside and they can be more easily detected. believe me, you want to get this worked out right away cuz the longer you wait the more pain you will experience. it seems kinda minor at first but it makes pms cramps painful enough that i have passed out, and even the mid-cycle cramps are hellish. dont wait.
scott p. thinks i got it from eating too much fast food. i think that could be a big factor for me and other women, and also the fact that even though we become prepared for reproduction physically at such a young age (about 12yrs) we dont really put this stuff to use until our late 20s nowadays. maybe if we were having children at age 16 and breastfeeding like many of our ancestors, our bodies would not be under as much stress and confusion.
i already have plans to go to parties on friday and saturday this weekend so i think this may be a good week : ) i am glad i still have friends out there. these people i've been hanging out w/ are not really trash talkers for the most part so i dont have to worry about them starting shit behind my back. i could get used to liking this : )
goodnight.
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 3:20 AM [+] ::
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:: Sunday, May 19, 2002 ::
and i like this missy/janet song.
"i'd rather keep the trash and throw you out"
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 6:58 PM [+] ::
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i like jill scott a lot. anyone have a cd i can borrow??
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 6:56 PM [+] ::
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last night something very .... random happened. well maybe just plain creepy.
this city is way too small.
we're sitting at the wiltern, at least halfway through the kids performance. suddenly, this guy walks past all of us to get to the chair that is open next to scott b. and i look and who would it be but the 30something year old comedian that tried to stay at my house on christmas!!!!
i had some guy over, a friend of a friend, to watch videos and dvds. it was christmas eve after i had gone to work for 9 hours at the coffee bean, and then had dinner all by my lonesome at denny's and then dropped off food for homeless people. he brought over some good movies, including candy (70s flick w/ marlon brando as a guru and ringo as emmanuel the immigrant virgin gardener). i was glad to have someone over to talk and watch movies cuz there wasn't a lot of people in campus housing that week, and i just wanted to chill. but after a while he started making moves on me and then i said i was going to bed cuz i was tired. he said he would sleep over, and i said yeah ok on the couch.
'i would rather sleep in your couch'
'i would rather you slept on my bed'
on and on. finally he just left. i guess he didn't want to sleep on my couch.
he has kept me on his comedy club mailing list but he hasn't talked to me since. but at the show, he saw me and then a second later he was up and running. what a weird fellow.
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 6:22 PM [+] ::
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i like the look of the chemical brother's video for 'the test'.
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 6:22 PM [+] ::
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today was not a good day. i got a lot done. but i am unhappy. i have been sitting here for the past two hours watching music videos and trying to nap. but i keep crying. i am thinking about him again, i wish he were here. i miss his friendship. and his smile. every song somehow reminds me of him.
my dad is still upset with me. he even turned the tv off when he left, as if i was not in the room watching it. he just ignores me. sandy keeps offering me food and stuff but i dont wanna be down here in his way. and i dont want him getting mad at her for giving me stuff. i dont like to be here. and i'm kinda scared about my appointment findings. because the past two months it has been hurting a lot, and they say now that it's really big. and i've been all paranoid since friday, looking stuff up about it. and i drink a lot more and take more ibuprofen cuz it will just randomly start hurting, usually when i get really lonely. maybe it's the stress. i hope this week goes ok.
i dont understand what i did to make all this bad stuff happen at once. i believe in karma, in a way. so this makes it really hard to think that it's all my fault somehow. mercury is in retrograde, a tricky tricky thing, but my natal mercury is also in retrograde (23degrees cancer) so it should be beneficial for me. but it's not so far. i'm kinda floundering, hard for me to get to work and so on. the only thing to get my mind off losing two really good friends is the pain that this shitty thing inside of me causes. and i feel like every good intention i have to get myself into a peaceful state and to be a better friend and person gets shot down.
i miss my brother too. i miss so much that i feel like my world is swollowing me whole.
i dont want to be me anymore.
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 6:19 PM [+] ::
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dude i can't believe i forgot to mention we saw a funny funny mr show last night, and played more doa2 and some gta3!!!! tom was the only one who could defeat me on doa2, cuz when i'm kasumi i am a mean bitch! : )
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 4:10 PM [+] ::
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icky i got a 3.15 for the semester. sucky. i should not even be telling you this but i have a big mouth yeeeah... and if i don't tell you, you may assume i did even WORSE!
last night i went to see the kids in the hall at the wiltern, FRONT AND CENTER!!! ooh soo good. we were in complete awe of how close we were! they did a dr. seuss jesus skit (toe-crampity shoes!), a squish head skit, and kevin m. grabbed dave foley's nuts!!! while dave was wearing spandex! they did a funny blooper and it was cool to see them all laughing at themselves, trying to keep it cool. it really wasn't long enough though. only 2 hours. i wanted to be there all night laughing
: )
i love those guys!
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 1:12 PM [+] ::
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