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:: Wednesday, July 03, 2002 ::
i got a raise at work. as of july 4th, i will be working for $8/hr. go me.
i dont suck at bowling anymore. at least w/ the pink ball that weighs like .3 ounces or something : ) i tied w/ jordan! terie won that round though. alex had a lot more fun this time cuz his ball was so light. we will have to go to kona next week before he leaves at least one more time, and earlier this time. i ran into brian and eugene (from hb) and they should be cruising up for my party friday. i really need this party i think. one last blow out before i gotta bite down and take on four jobs ; ) sigh...
i took alex to see lilo and stitch last night. that was such a cute movie. it made me laugh out loud, and even made me cry at one point. i am a sucker for sad films. it was the first time i'd cried since i started my medications. but i feel like it was valid at this point. i am still alive. : )
we got jesus burgers at in-n-out w/ a roommate tonight. times have changed, he and i aren't all that good of friends anymore. kinda drifted apart i guess. mostly i'm bothered by the fact that he was just not there at a time when i really needed someone. i had hit rock bottom, and even if people didn't know what was going on, it was nice to have friends around reminding me that there would be a better time. ironically, the person who lives closest to me was the person i saw least. it used to bother me back when it happened but after about a month of sitting on the back burner i decided to get my ass out the kitchen. yeah. whatever that means. i lost to very important relationships this year and i dont really feel like fighting it anymore. if people fade out, they fade out. and they are gone. i can't keep worrying myself about these things, cuz then i lose focus on those who are still here and who need ME to be a friend...
yesterday at the game store i got carded. they didn't believe i was old enough to be trading in our used games. in other words, the lady didn't believe that i was 18+. I AM PRACTICALLY 22!!!! daaaamn it....
got a call for gilu today. i love that girl. her question: victoria's secret or godiva? WHAT kind of question is that? it's a trick, that's what it is. how can i decide????? : )
this morning i had a dream where i was driving from northern california to olympia like it was a normal commute. it involved denny's, the evergreen state college, getting lost, and my ex.
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 12:49 AM [+] ::
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:: Sunday, June 30, 2002 ::
i need to bowl more often. i suck now cuz i only get to do it like once a year!!! maybe when i get stinking rich i can build a bowling lane in my den....
last night my neighbors threw this ridiculously loud party w/ a dj (it was pretty good music but it was late and all outside) and the dps came eventually and sent everyone home but they didn't leave. this was in OUR yard mind you, so we got this notice on our door today about how it was our second warning (which it wasn't) and how they wanted to sue us in small claim's court. just cuz this whole street is part of the international dentists association or some crap. if there is a problem during my party next week we will have to relocate to nate's house. we are starting at 6 for that reason, and cuz my aunt is gonna cook up some good grubs.
this morning i sent out emails for my bday party (and jose's) but somehow part got lost along the way and i had to resend some. i miss my old usc connection where i had the freedom to send out email to 100s of people at once mwahahaha.
i am still off alcohol. i wonder how long this is gonna last. my medication is causing some noticable cognitive and behavioral changes, and i wonder if i am the only one noticing. i dont feel so trapped in my head. it's really nice but at the same time i feel kinda dead. like i dont get so stressed and low and jumbly, but i also don't feel as interested in things that are interesting. not even food. maybe this is normal. i feel like i am just now adjusting on it though cuz before i was feeling relieved but avoidant - like i wanted to be a hermit. now i feel functional and like i have a hold on my life again, and even more clear than i've ever felt. maybe that is why i dont need to drink. when i go out i dont feel so insecure, the thoughts aren't replaying in my head about how much i suck, or what i am saying or doing that is wrong. and i sure as hell dont wanna be accidently doing stupid shit like making out w/ anyone. no more guys for me. not even the hot neighbor boy. i will just look : ) i notice that i am more patient with people, and less codependent. like the old me but better. i am trying to learn new coping mechanisms so i dont have to stay on this medication, like i am trying to figure out what i am doing and thinking that is so problematic. it is weird cuz i will be in a situation where i would normally get flared up or emotional, and act impulsively in my sensitive ways, and i am thinking slow enough that i can control my actions. i almost feel numb, but i know i'm not cuz i still feel a lot of love and compassion. just in a more... lacksadaisical way? if that is possible. i feel like being me is not so bad, and that everyone should feel like this. i wonder if everyone does, and i was just fucked that whole time i didn't see this way. and i dont want this to be the drug talking. i want to restructure my life so i can feel this way by myself, and have things to look forward to. i am always happiest working, working working. never stopping cuz stopping means reflecting on myself which is always unpleasant for me. not that i didnt' always reflect but at night i would just lie away dreading the next day. now i look forward to sleeping so i can wake up and start over the next day. and i want to make my life better so i can keep this optimism without pills - i wonder if it's possible. i dont want to stop taking them yet though. i have a ways to go and i am scared to be that way again.
tonight i stopped by nate's party and shawn's, both on 29th street. ran into a lot of people yada yada yada. i was pretty tired cuz i spent the whole day in the valley w/ my aunt and alex and boo boo (my aunt's dog honey). it was soooo hot there! i felt like i was on a completely different planet. we met at the west hills mall (the only mall in the world without a gap!) and had lunch and coffee bean, saw minority report (which i really enjoyed) and then shopped for some bday supplies and our steak dinner. mmmm. i also finally watched orange county. a movie i could have lived without. it was amusing though. maybe a little too close to home, being at USC and all....
:: meggy spilled the "beans" at 2:02 AM [+] ::
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